Arf Ortiyef Online (AOL)

#line2011

2011-12-05T16:26:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I was suffered to wait on a very long line. What follows hitherforetowith is the story of my ordeal inasmuchaswhich appeared previously on twitter as the events weretowardenforth unfolding.

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I'm waiting on a line #line2011

The woman in front of me told her kids to check out the full-size poodle and i accidentally looked. #line2011

An uncle is showing off that he can catch popcorn in his mouth. He's 2 for 3. #line2011

I wonder if i could walk away with that tip jar as though i work here. Also, Lindsay go to your mother #line2011

This guy just did an olde timey accent to tell people to step up. #line2011

A kid just screamed at some bees to scare them. #line2011

Having flashbacks to lines of yesteryear. #line2001 #angst

Great. Hospital story. And it's sick. #line2011

More cutters. So mad i could puke. All over these kids. #line2011

This guy keeps telling me what to get. Let's see what he recommends after his wife runs away with me. #line2011

Ok i'm getting off this line. Peace. #line2011

Sitting on a porch. #porch2011

Dear @NASA

2011-11-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

My questions and comments to the twitter account of NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration).

Dear @NASA: what did the first Lunar Excursion Module taste like? was it more like tin foil and dust or was it like a 9v battery + tar?

Dear @NASA: my stepson doesn't believe that astronauts have to eat 1,000 cookies every minute to stay in orbit. please set him straight.

Dear @NASA: would you please send my dog, T. Herbert Paul-Christiansen Spothalemew Nosetradamus III, into space? he would love it.

Dear @NASA: follow-up data: T. Herbert Paul-Christiansen Spothalemew Nosetradamus III is a beagle and his wife is named Gladys Pip.

Dear @NASA: just wondering what your plans are for Thanksgiving. are you going to see your family? please give them my best.

Dear @NASA: guest question: "do astronauts ever miss their moms while they're in outer space?" -- my mom. she also asked if they can email

Dear @NASA: when you invented Velcro, did you ever think it would be used to secure shirts to pants? because that's what i use it for.

Dear @NASA: why have you rejected all my applications to astronaut school? is it because there's no such thing as astronaut school? thanks.

Dear @NASA: what's your favorite Gary Numan song? it's for a school paper i'm writing.

Dear @NASA: is it true that no schnapps has ever been distilled in outer space? also, how can we turn the moon into a schnapps?

Dear @NASA: chuffed to hear about the Expedition 29 crew returning safely in Kazakhstan. is this part of the PR for an upcoming Borat sequel?

Dear @NASA: any word yet on recovering the crew of Space: 1999? have they found a new planet to live on that's not ruled by trees? worried!

Dear @NASA: "Napalm Death is indisputably the fastest band on our planet but what about on other worlds/dimensions?" asked by Mick Harris.

Dear @NASA: could you build a spaceship so big that even space couldn't lift it? and can i get a timetable for that project?

Dear @NASA: if you're not, like, i don't know, busy or anything? i was wondering if you'd like go to prom with me but it's cool if you can't

Dear @NASA: what was it like having Rebecca Black make a cameo appearance in your latest video? how tall is she?

I'm Worth It

2011-11-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

I'm Worth It with Michele & Frangry is a call-in advice show on WFMU's alternate web stream.
It can be heard here (http://www.wfmu.org/playlists/IW) every Friday at 7:30PM EST.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote in asking for some advice on a very important relationship issue.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ms. Michele and Ms. Frangry,

    I have a problem. Every tuesday, I go to Blimpie's and order a delicious Blimpie Best. It's a sandwich with slow-cured ham, salami, cappacola, prosciuttini, provolone with tomatoes, lettuce, onion, vinegar, oil and oregano. I always get the sandwich with vinegar and oil JUST LIKE IT SAYS ON THE MUNU. Then I eat it by myself at the same table and I can't even express the joy that sweeps over me. I've done this every Tuesday for years until two weeks ago when something terrible happened.

    When I was ordering my sandwich, a new employee asked me if i wanted Thousand Island dressing. I was dumbfounded. Dumbstruck! Thousand Island? Instead of oil and vinegar? DUMB! I got really angry at this idiot and I was just about to complain to the manager when all of a sudden, I noticed that this new employee was a beautiful woman! So instead of throwing a hoagie at her, I asked her to have lunch with me.

    Now here's my problem. She had lunch with me and we instantly fell in love. I love this lady even more than I love Blimpie Bests (A LOT). We're engaged to be married and we've moved in together but she always wants to put Thousand Island dressing on her sandwiches, even when it doesn't come with it by default on the menu. What can I do about this? Asking for a friend. Thanks in advance!

Sincredibly,
Arf Ortiyef

Postcards From Lee Ving, Part Deux

2011-03-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

World traveler and close friend Lee Ving, former frontman of the punk rock band FEAR, sends me postcards from the road. Sometimes, I like to share some of them with you.

"Hey Arf, Just wondering how you've been. Sorry I haven't written in a while. Do you remember my wife's email? Lee Ving"

"Arf - have you seen Raging Bull? Just saw it for the first time in a hotel in Utah. Thinking of you. Love, Lee"

"Hi Arf. Trouble tonight before the show in Philly. Had to flush/swallow 18 pounds of something. Do you know a lawyer?"

"My Dear Arf: In Peru. Got mistaken for Robert Blake at Polanski's private shindig. Ain't punched no-one in the chest."

(Front of postcard is a cowboy and a line from Full Metal Jacket) "Arf! Doin' it real big in Texas! Sending a steak! L."

"Arf. Drank too much 'Red' Bull last night. Sorry about those phone calls. Didn't realize it was so late. Friends? Lee."

"ScARFace: Was great catching you in the MIA, dogg. Maybach music for life! Port of Miami! Sincerely, Lee Ving of FEAR."

"Arf. Guess how bad Vybz Kartel is at poker. Go ahead, guess. That's right. Jamaica is a blast, man! Wish you were here to help me count my poker chips. Vingavingguguvinguving."

"YO ARF Do you remember that Larry Sanders ep where Hank falls asleep with a cigar in his mouth and lights his office on fire? I just did that in this HoJo! Shit rules. Lee."

"Arf. Just another tequila sunrise. Got the shades on, catchin' some rays in Mexico. Listening to this mixtape you gave me - love the Zola Jesus track. Reminds me of when I used to bang Bette Midler. Leaving."

"Working on some new lyrics, bro. Check it out: 'I don't care about nothin' / I don't care about you folks / I don't care about nothin' baby / I'm pretty indifferent about this'... Lee."

"Arfmeister! On the road in Leipzig. Tour's going great! This hooker looks just like your mom. Respectfully, Lee Ving."

For more Postcards from Lee Ving, please see this previous post:
http://arfortiyef.blogspot.com/2009/09/postcards-from-lee-ving.html

Costume Designer Job Application

2011-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

@ericwareheim are you an amazing Costume Designer? wanna work on the tim & eric movie? email billiondollarmovie@gmail.com NOW. be awesome and experienced.

6:30 PM Feb 11th via web

February 12th, 2011

SUBJECT: Costume Design Rockstar with perfect dental hygenie.

Dear Tom And Eric or Sir or Madam,

I trust that this e-mail finds you in good health. Putting aside the pleasantries, I am writing to you to formally and respectfully and immediately register with you my official reply to your search for a costume designer on the new Tim And Eric Movie. THE SEARCH IS OVER. Throw away all the other applications because I am the costume designer you've been looking for and I will start immediately.

Let my start by telling you a little bit about myself. My name is Shelley Head. You heard me right, Head. As in Hollywood royalty, Her Majesty of Costume Design, the late, great Edith Head. I am her great-nephew. You will not find a name in Hollywood more synonymous with great wardrobery than Head. Take my word on this. It's impossible. A cursory Google search will find the illustrious Head name at the very top of the costume / bejewelled ornamentation section. But my lineage is not my only strength!!!

I am the most talented young (16) costume design ninja in the country (U.S.A.) and I have the special skill sets to prove it:

- Four years in the costume biz and still going strong!
- Wrote an illustrated tract about authentic Medieval costumes!
- Can play most of the riff from 'Layla' on guitar or bass.
- Took college-equivalent or community (non-accredited) classes on:
    Wardrobery
    Costume Design Basic
    Costume Design Advanced
    Marketing
    Basic Robotics
    QBasic
    Ornamentations
    Jewels
    C++
    ...and more*!!!

    * soon, after my next birthday in the fall if I can get a ride there.

Additionally, I have worked on the following productions:

- 'Mars Attacks!', East Bay Central Elementary, Asst Dir.
- 'Guys And Dolls', Franklin Junior High, Assc Tech Dir.
- 'The Thing In The Graveyard', Holger/Head Productions, DP, camera, second arm of the Thing.
- 'Scenes From 200 Motels', Holger/Head Productions, clay animation, set design.
- 'Bye Bye Birdie', Fuller Memorial High, costume designer.
- 'War Of The Worlds, Part 1', Head Films, costume designer, ornamentalist, director.

PLEASE hire me to work on your movie! I am not only the best possible candidate, I am the only possible candidate. Because I am planning on sending threatening letters to everyone else who applies for the position! This is a can't lose, once-in-a-while opportunity for you, the brilliant moviematicians Tim and Eric, to hire a genuine up-and-comer in his creative and artistic prime. All I can think about is costumes, clothes, makeup. I can't sleep at night and my parents are worried. It's O.K. though because I told them about getting this job and they said I can do it but I have to seriously think about going back to high school. Don't worry though. I said 'no'. I have completely opened up my schedule to work on my first major motion picture since 'War Of The Worlds, Part 1'. Sometimes I just think about clothes and I start hyperventilating because I am so excited but don't worry about that either because I have an inhaler.

I am AWESOME. But I have other qualities too: crafty, resourceful, esteemed, vibrant, trustworthy, chipper, faithful, loyal, hard-working, fast-learning and my parents told me tons of great stories about Hollywood that I can tell you on the set. My dental hygenie is PERFECT! You will be impressed by my pearly whites! I expect to earn at least seven figures per annum plus points on the gross. It will be worth the money (cash, because I don't have a bank account yet) when your film wins the Academy Awards for Best Costumes and Best Drape/Bed Design. All of that is guaranteed, plus your complete satisfaction, with the hiring of my service team, Heads-Up Incorporated.

Heads-Up is my incorporated team of staff - seamstress, makeup, tailor, hemmers, custodians, assistants and Gus. They are cool dudes and will not require much money but they will have to be given a private trailer plus unequivocal lunches and full access to the donut/coffee platters. This is the best team of crack

So, it is plain to see that this is the best offer you've ever had in your careers and it would be a really dumb move to not hire me, Shelley Head, as your Lead Costume Management CEO. I can get a ride there every day at around noon (depends when I wake up though), from either my Mom or Dad. So there's no problem with that. And I can stay up as late as it takes. Let's do this!

Please get in touch with my agent and check out my headshot (attached). I intensely look forward to hearing your call.

Sincredibly,

Shelley Head

CEO, Heads-Up Inc
President, Head Films
CFO, Full Steam A-Head LLC Resources

The Shorty Interview with Arf Ortiyef

2011-01-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

What's your best tweet?
the one about getting an Ikea catalog in the mail.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
i use Twitter exclusively to promote my latest products and to introduce these miracles of modern technology to potential customers worldwide

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
sea monkeys, i guess. trends aren't very funny.

What feature should Twitter add?
i should get bonus points for every tweet that uses all 140 characters (a Tetris).

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Shaquille "Shaq" O'Neal of basketball. :(

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
anyworde that can bee lengthenede withe an 'e' is thee waye 2 goe.

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Michael Caine. let's be friends, Michael Caine. let's hang out, have some brandy and a cigar and do impressions of me.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
no, i never have.

How do you make your tweets unique?
first, each tweet is stamped with time, date, location, bar code, isbn number and a serial number. then comes the three-part distillation...

What inspires you to tweet?
getting Ikea catalogs in the mail (even if they aren't addressed to me!), Columbo and other Peter Falk related programs, small birds.

140 characters of advice for a new user?
try starting with some brief opinions about AC/DC songs, then say vicious things to celebrities you don't like, then link to free viagra.

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
that it's made of plastic. it isn't.

Why should people follow you?
last year, i won Shorty Awards in the categories of Handsomest and Batman. if that doesn't persuade you, i fear for your car tires.

How do you decide what to tweet?
i ask for a lot of advice from colleagues and advisers.

How will the world change in the next year?
it will be kind of the same but with slightly less John Cusack and slightly more Nicolas Cage.

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
kind of the same except Lee Hazlewood's career will posthumously blossom to unprecedented, but well-deserved, proportions. also more flu.

nominate me for Shorty Awards here: http://shortyawards.com/arfortiyef
follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/arfortiyef

questions from 2010 - 2011

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 7

2010-12-18T10:38:00.000-08:00

What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?

an interesting fact about myself. for instance, i once played bridge with Rat Scabies, Jet Black and Captain Sensible. i was south and had a ton of honors but Rat got the shakes and passed the cudgel forward, looting the klute on a full pump. we lost in the end but what a battle!

What's the best gift you've ever given?

half a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade with some cough syrup poured in to my bus driver.

If you had to perform at the circus, what trick would you do?

spelling bee

What one thing are you exceptionally good at?

not sarcasm, that's for sure.

If forced to fight Gene Hackman, what would be your weapon of choice?

great question but the answer may surprise you!

Mr. Hackman infrequently uses weapons to defeat his foes, preferring to lay his bare knuckles over and over into the raw, pulpy viscera that once used to be the victim's face. yet he is well-versed in firearms and has been known to command nuclear weapons on occasion. he might even administer discipline with a rolled-up newspaper, such as in the case of a lady-adversary or an insolent pup. his superior hand-to-hand combat skills rank him at a solid 8 in the "fighting" column, just shy of Wolverine level.

if i were unfortunate enough to cross Hackman, it is likely that the scenario would be straight fisticuffs and, as he is the master of the sneak attack, it would probably end decisively in his favor within seconds. he probably wouldn't even bother to wrap his belt around his knuckles, clobber me and throw me down the stairs. he would probably just get in one good shot to the head and lay me out cold before i could guess what he meant by his comment about "picking feet in Poughkeepsie".

if it was a duel at dawn and i could not escape while he slept, i would choose knives. because i've never seen Hackman throw a knife. i've never thrown one either but i feel like it's the only way to level the field. that and prayin'. because if he ever catches you, he's gonna grind you into sausages.

What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?

only Hervé Villechaize could capture my tortured angst, only Gregory Peck has my demure style and dark, handsome features and only Miley Cyrus could portray my penchant and innate skill for musical comedy with the soul of a clown tumbling round the three rings of the greatest show on earth: me.

What's the secret to happiness?

Inspector Rainwater, Cat Detective: Chapter 2.

For the first time since Helen left, I was lonesome. I had the itch. Not ringworm, the itch for a scoop. Not a litterbox scoop, an assignment. But all the Whiskas in the world couldn't fill my glass that night. There's only one cure for that kind of sadness and that's a juicy lead. Unfortunately, I had already cased the joint and there was no way in or out. Every window and door in the place had been shut by the cat-sitter, Benny. The place was locked up tighter than a drum. But I was no slouch. I knew how to flam, roll and paradiddle that snare until you thought Buddy Rich was on an all-night coke bender at Birdland. Birds. Now there was something I missed. I hadn't laid eyes, much less a paw, on a tasty bird in days. It was time to bust out of Dullsville (population: Benny) and get the show back on the road. Out there, there'd be all curves of dangerous birds ready for snatching, all cuts of cold fish waiting to be flopped, all kinds of mean bulldogs barking out orders to henchpups waiting to take a bite out of Johnny Lawman. But that was fine with me. I was done with the badge and the blues. I was prowling solo. Sure, it's a hard knock life being a private dick. But at least I was my own cat. Meow.

If you could be invited to one person's birthday party, whose would it be?

Dick Cavett. i heard he loves carrot cake. confirm/deny?

Chocolate or Vanilla?

come on bro don't make me choose

Heaven is real

2010-11-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

To my friends and family,

You all know that I have never been a good Christian. In fact, I used to go around saying that I was an agnostic and that we could never really know for sure if there was a God in Heaven. I neglected church visits and never went to mass, even on Christmas Eve when everybody else I knew was attending. It seemed like all I wanted to do was have fun and commit sin after sin.

ALL OF THAT HAS CHANGED FOREVER!!!

It all started last week at Dave's party. It was a big event and all of Dave's friends were there at his apartment. We were really living it up, I'll tell you. Kathy was there and she was making out with almost everybody. All of us were just really cutting loose. Well, I started out with beers but soon I found the Smirnoff Cranberry & Lime. They went down so smooth, I couldn't control myself. I just started chugging bottle after bottle of the sweet malt liquor beverage from the fine people at Smirnoff until I had dranken 12 bottles of the delicious stuff. It became something of a contest and I was trying for a record on dranking the most Smirnoffs. Then I smoked marijuana and it was a goodly helping, I'll have you know. The dancing started and that was when I started doing tequila shots, one for every time Impaled Nazarene mentioned the word "Satan". Well, little did I know that Paul would be playing the entire Impaled Nazarene album and "Satan" was uttered no less than thirty-six times. The last thing I remember of the party was a killer blastbeat with a totally shredding guitar riff over it before I wound up in the bathroom, puking my guts out. Then I passed out.

Well, friends, while I was out of commission by the commode, I left my worldly body and saw it laying there as I drifted up out of the room. It was as real as I am here now watching the Doobie Brothers on VH1 Classics (completely real). I floated away from Dave's apartment and into the sky and past the clouds and into Heaven. Heaven was beautiful and beyond any description that any man or woman could give. It was a light place, full of goodness and love everywhere. I saw Saint Peter by a gate. It wasn't a wrought iron gate inlaid with pearls like I had always imagined it. It was made out of bamboo and Saint Peter was Japanese. I was very surprised by this and said, "Saint Peter, I didn't know you were Japanese!" and he said something to me in Japanese that I couldn't understand because I only speak English.

Nevertheless, I walked through (thru) the bamboo gates of Heaven. Once I got inside, I saw God, who was about the size of the Jolly Green Giant and his Son, Jesus Christ, who was shorter and not as handsome. God looked a bit like Paul Rudd except with a long white beard but definitely with that sparkly Hollywood twinkle in his eyes. Mr. Christ looked more like Buddy Hackett only taller and bearded. He also had a long, luxurious mustache like Errol Flynn. But he definitely looked just like Buddy Hackett and even talked like him. I wanted to meet my creator and his son.

I said, "Lord, I didn't know you were real. All these years, I wondered, but now I know the truth. You are real because I've seen you with my own eyes."

God said, "That's cool man, a lot of people don't think I'm real but I don't care."

I asked God a bunch of questions and Jesus started to get jealous that I was asking his Father all of the questions and not Him. But I was so excited to meet God, I couldn't help it. Then God showed me my body back on Earth. Dave was pulling my face out of the toilet and trying to revive (revitalize) me.

"God," I said, "am I dead?"

And Jesus stepped in and said, "You are not! Now go back to Earth and tell my people all that you have witnessed! God is real and all people must believe in Him! You shall spread the word!"

"Alright dude," I said. "Calm down. I'm gonna do it."

The next thing I knew, I was laying on Dave's couch, soaking wet and being violently slapped into consciousness while Dave's dog licked my bare feet. I have no idea how my shoes came off but I think that I left them in Heaven because Jesus liked them. They were Pumas. That alone should be proof that what I say is true.

Friends, what I related to you now is NOT A DREAM. It is the real truth as it happened to me last week. It changed my life forever and it should change yours too. I nearly died but God decided to send me back so that I could have another chance and devote my life to Him. That's why I am here writing to you. Do not forsake God because he is WATCHING YOU. Do not question that He is the one true Lord and Golden Shepherd. Give up your life of sin today and join the Holy, Righteous Path of Goodness and Righteous Truth. That is what our God commands!

Sincredibly,

Arf Ortiyef

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 6

2010-11-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Who is the hottest woman alive?

currently the hottest living woman is Anna Bryant of Juárez, Chiapas, Mexico, with a fever of 114.2 degrees. she is being treated in a hospital and is expected to recover. my well-wishes go out to her and her family. get well soon, Mrs. Bryant!

If you were stranded on a desert island, which one person would you bring with you?

someone very fat who is bad at drawing straws.

Who's the most underrated actor?

The actor inside the Mr. Bismol costume. Mr. Bismol has been faithfully and artfully portrayed by "Big" Bill Brandt for nearly 22 years. As the flagship mascot of Pepto-Bismol products, Brandt has never failed to delight, amaze, satisfy and constipate audiences during his entire career.

There was a period between 1991-1992 when Big Bill took a hiatus from portraying Mr. Bismol due to health issues. He was briefly replaced by several other actors, but the Procter And Gamble corporation realized that they lacked the finesse and gentlemanly charm necessary to don the over-stuffed pink bottle with a white cap.

When asked for a comment in reflection of his long stint in the very subtle, but largely under-rated role, Brandt simply remarked, "I do what I do. Mr. Bismol is who I am and he is me. I'm no hero, I just love drinking this stuff."

Big Bill Brandt, I salute you!

What would be the best thing about being a vampire?

getting to hang out with celebs

What's the best gift you've ever given?

an enchanted anthropomorphic tree that could recite soliloquies and wanted nothing more than to please its owner.

What makes you cry?

oh, so many things. i've been keeping a list next to my bed for years. here are some of the things on the list:

- chopping onions
- onions being seriously chopped "right before my eyes"
- rubbing onions into my eyes
- onions being chopped near or around me
- being stabbed by an onion
- when an onion tells you it doesn't really love you after all
- hearing onions in the agonizing throes of withdrawal
- seeing someone i admire being cut down by an onion in the prime of their life
- when you have to send the onions away to school (they grow up so fast)
- watching onions cry
- onion weddings
- onion funerals
- onion rings
- space onions
- the phrase, "how you been, my onion?"
- sad movies
- movies about onions
- whenever a loved one contracts an onion
- onion cruelty / onion testing
- starving onions
- people starving without onions
- washing onions
- onioning water
- onion skin, the husk of allegory
- The Onion
- whenever i fall into a sack of chopped onions face first
- getting onions lodged in me (anywhere at all)
- smelling like onions / onion breath
- irreconcilable onions
- regretting an onion decision
- Jack Klugman eating onions
- skewered onions (only if they came from a nice family)
- diced onions
- French onion soup
- Steak And Black Onions (the Rapeman song)
- bunions
- when friends leave for long periods of time and they take their onions with them
- onions skateboarding (especially if they are wearing helmets)
- regular onion soup
- forgetting how to spell onion
- civil onions
- Funyuns
- a sad book about onions

thank you for your question and please do not use this information to make me cry.

What makes you happy?

I live in a tiny cottage with a straw thatch roof in the English countryside. It has two rooms: one on top, where I sleep, and one on the bottom, where my chairs and my kitchen are. Every morning, I take a shower under the old metal bucket with the holes in the bottom and get dressed in my pants and shirt. Then I put tonic on my face and comb my hair. I walk down my staircase to the kitchen and read through my recipe book. It contains recipes for potato salad. Thousands of them. I find the next one, read it carefully and put my bookmark on the page. Then I retrieve the milk from the front door and put it away. I walk around to the garden and water my plants and tend to them. I gather all of the vegetables and herbs I need for the recipe and put them into my basket. I bring them inside and check my pantry. If there is anything missing, I have to go to the market. The market is very far away and I have to ride my bicycle down the dirt road and over the cobblestones to get there. I pay Mr. Smith a farthing and he puts everything into my basket. He says that it is too much and gives me fifteen tuppence change. I thank him and give him one more tuppence to buy him a sweet. Mr. Smith loves sweets. I do not really care for sweets anymore, but all children do. It was so long ago that I was a children. So very, very long ago. After returning home from market, I gather up all the ingredients and begin to make the potato salad. I scrub and chop the potatoes, I wash and chop the onions, I pluck and chop the goose, I husk and flour the corns, I smash and mash the suppleswootsits, I churn and burn the cubbycrabs, I heather and feather the stummybuns, I coat and goat the limmlebits, I snip and clip the fithersnips, I crawn and kern the knittersnacks, I cup and pup the ligglesmats, I sully the edge of my binkerbowl, I curry the seat of the wrigglewhirl, I powder up the voluminapes and stuff them into the fripperdrapes. Then, after I have made the potato salad, I bring out the kettle and I make the tea. I have one friend. His name is Mr. Owl. He comes to my cottage every day for tea. I love Mr. Owl very much and he loves my potato salad. We eat the potato salad together and then drink tea with sugar. I like one lump of sugar. Mr. Owl likes three. Sometimes, Mr. Owl brings his grey tabby cat, Inspector Rainwater, and I feed him a saucer of milk. Then, after we have finished our tea, Mr. Owl tells me one story, and only one story, that I have never heard before. Mr. Owl used to be a sailor and he has been to many places in this world. He tells me exciting stories about the places he has been to and the things that he has seen. I love to hear Mr. Owl's stories very much. But he will only tell me a new story if I make him a new potato salad. That is why I make a new potato salad every day.

I hope that answered your question.

If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?

i date celebrities all the time using wikipedia. for example, comedic actor Paul Rudd is 41 years old. rock singer Sammy Hagar, the Red Rocker, is 63.

it gets a little trickier when trying to date much older celebrities. Pythagoras died in 495 BC and you have to do two math problems to solve that one. when you're dating someone that old, you might want to compare a sample of them with a radiocarbon half life.

Live-Tweeting an Imaginary World Cup Game

2010-10-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

I will now live-tweet my commentary for a World Cup game that I imagine is happening.

Here comes Netherlands champion Andre Agassi dribbling the ball down the left side of the court! He's back in top form tonight. Agassi has lost the ball to an opponent on the Spanish team! How upsetting! Now Pele is kicking the ball the other way! Pele is playing for Spain this year and boy, has he got a lot of kicking to do tonight. He almost made it to the goal but didn't! Now Agassi is kicking a penalty kick at Spain's goal. He is so graceful but the goalie has blocked this kick! NO GOAL!

Charles Barkley has just gotten the ball and he is playing for Germany tonight. These three teams are fierce competitors! Barkley has just been foul because a red card has been thrown right into his face. I hope the viewers at home did not hear that! In a surprising turn of events, it seems that Derek Jeter will not be able to play ball tonight because of a skiing accident. Sad.

Now Spain has possession of the ball again and is trying to advance on the goal but it is very difficult so they want a truce. The referee has decided that there will be no truce! Truce denied! Now Agassi is kicking that ball again and it's out of bounds!

Now Pele has the smaller ball and he is kicking it towards the other team's goal and he is still going and it's going to be a ...

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!

Well, that settles the final game of the World Cup! Spain has won! That's the last you'll hear about this tournament for 8 years!

Delicious Gelato

2010-10-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

Say hello to a brand new frozen treat delight that will leave you begging for seconds. It’s the all-new gelato flavor of the month at Barry's Gelati—King Strawberry Creme. Also, the process in formulating our luscious frozen flavors has been greatly enhanced to churn out new creations that were previously unheard of using conventional methods.

Basically, the strawberry is smashed and pressed through a sieve—then add the all-natural sugar, dairy-fresh cream, and all. It comes out looking like this.

There’s more: because it’s crawling with rich creamy taste, it will be washed with liqueur, soaked in it, actually. Then, because it tastes superior to our competitors' products, it will never be reflavored artificially. Then, because it is perfectly pink, it will never be dyed with artificial color.

This delectable all-natural treat may be a little too rich for your diet but, hey, at least it tastes good, right?

High five, America!

*smack*

(That's the sound of your lips smacking with anticipation)

via http://early-onset-of-night.tumblr.com/post/1206666159/say-hello-to-mechanically-separated-chicken-its

Concert review by Alec French

2010-10-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

The following article was not written by me, but by a young Brooklyn writer named Alec French. He submitted it to his former employer for publication. The response he received is included after the article.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions of Mr. French do not necessarily reflect my own or that of any party mentioned within.

------------------------------

M.I.A. At Brooklyn Bowl 10.06.10

A review written by Alec French

PRELUDE

"It was a dark and stormy night," I wrote ironically in my Moleskine notebook. Later on, I would be transcribing it, first to my typewriter and then to my blog. But at that moment, I snickered quietly to myself at the idea of someone thinking I would write something that trite. Not in a million years.

I'm a real writer. I don't write cliches. I spell-check them. It had been a dark and crazy night.

JOURNEY

I had a dimebag of grass, seventeen American Spirits left in the pack, a PBR tucked into my skinny jeans, my lucky keffiyeh, my lucky striped fedora I got at the Salvation Army, the used copy of "A Catcher In The Rye" I keep meaning to start reading, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine (like in the movie), and a whole galaxy of those multi-colored pens that you click to get a different color (they're so stupid). Not that I needed all those pens for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious retro pen collection, the tendency is to keep clicking them until you jam one and I wanted a lot of backups just in case. The only thing that worried me was if someone found the cocaine, they might call my parents.

I kissed my pet ferret, Jem and the Holograms, goodbye and stepped out of my brownstone on Bedford Avenue. The autumn night air was uncomfortable and clammy. Why? Why on this, of all nights, did the weather have to be so irritating? I cursed God for making the air like that. But it seemed like he wasn't even listening to me. What a major league cunt of an asshole God is.

By the time I reached the line at North 12th Street, it was already snaking around the block. Unbelievable. How could they do this to me? I told myself not to panic and jumped onto the line. Yes, at the end. I didn't have my press pass since I quit Pitchfork to go freelance (or as I liked to say, "freestyle"). All I could do at that point was wait and hope that someone I knew would spot me and save me from what was sure to be a long wait around strangers.

"Hey," a high-pitched girl-voice squeaked, "is this the line for M.I.A.?"

I pretended not to notice she was even there.

"Um, excuse me?" she persisted.

I flipped through my cell phone and pursed my lips in concentration, hoping she would go away. To my horror, she decided to stand directly behind me.

"Is this guy deaf or just an asshole?" she said to her friend.

"Oh," I was ready to fight a bitch, "What did you say?"

"I asked you if this was the line."

"What else could it be? LOL," I said ("LOL" because I never actually laugh. It's so passe or something), "This is it!"

"Thanks," she muttered.

When I actually looked at her, I realized she was a Norm. "Norm" was my personal word, that I invented, to describe people who don't dress the right way and don't understand things that are cool. Most Norms have never even heard of Bukowski and have never majored in art. They are all over the place and they make me kind of sick. On the other hand, this one was kind of cute because she had huge black eyeglasses like mine. But they looked like they were prescription since they had lenses. So sad. She had a normal scarf instead of a keffiyeh or an old wool one with a Transformers logo. Her hair was so Normy and not even stupid-looking. A hopeless case. But there was still something about her...

"What are you lookin' at?" Norma demanded.

I snapped back to reality (or was it reality? What if we are all just deus ex machina like in "Being John Malkovich"? I thought about this a lot one night while I was doing whippets in my apartment and reading Facebook. What if we are all just brains hooked up to computer terminals in some giant Starbucks with free Wi-Fi? It sure would explain a lot of stuff I read about in "The Fountainhead". Seriously, it's a deep thing to think about. But I digress...). I had been staring.

"Sorry, I just thought you looked familiar," I offered.

"Oh, yeah?"

I had to come up with a pretty good lie to get out of this, "I think I've seen you before. Do you work at the Genius Bar?"

"No."

"Yes you do. You work at the Apple Store on West 14th," I retorted with renewed vigor. She shook her head and looked annoyed.

"Hey, don't roll your eyes at me, you sheep." I was getting tired of her shit.

"Sheep?"

"You're one of the sheeple," I went in for the kill, "'Baa, baa!' That's you."

"Wow."

"I'm getting tired of your shit. Can you help me fix my iPad? It broke when I loaded your Facebook page. Because you are so ugly that it broke."

"You are the shittiest person I've ever met."

Then she gave me her cell phone number. After I was done networking, I started straight-ignoring her and listening to my iPod again. She might have connections to something I could use, she might just be a free breakfast. Either way, the night was off to a promising start. Yes, Xiu Xiu came up on shuffle. This was almost as perfect as the time I called in sick and UPN showed a Thundercats marathon. I watched it all day long in my adult-size feety pajamas (Gucci made 30 pairs. Don't ask me how I snagged mine) while eating Crunchberries. Remember that cereal? It was so 80's. ROTFLMAOWYCUWILA.

THE SHIT

You probably don't know much about the Brooklyn Bowl, if you've even heard of it. It was a genuine, true-to-fuck, sixteen lane bowling alley right in my hood. Have you got a bitter beer face? You probably belonged there. When I was writing my first book, about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' debut album, I spent a lot of time on the lanes. It was just a place I could relax, write on my tablet, drink a few PBRs and recreate scenes from "The Big Lebowski" with the guys in my league. Not to get off on a tangent, but they were all guys. I was really adamant about not allowing women in the league. You have to focus when you are trying to get into the characters in that movie and she-sluts just distract you and want you to pay attention to them instead of yourself. I guess that's why they aren't allowed in the Army.

"Brooklyn Bowl blows our minds... it's one of the most incredible places on Earth" - Rolling Stone

The Brooklyn Bowl would give me the head space I'd need when I'd be stuck on a chapter or have a deadline or need to cram my handlebar-mustachioed gob full of cheese nachos. I loved that place like I love bumper-bowling (for 'tards/mongs) and those dumb clown shoes you wear (I stole a pair once from another place years ago but lost them when I moved from Wyoming). I know Jones (real name: James) and Retch, the bartenders, quite well at this point. They'd usually hook me up with free shots as long as I kept tipping. It was because they owed me.

I wrote the funniest shit in the bathroom you'll ever see: "Hello, Gargamel / Gargamel, hello." Don't pretend you know what that means.

The point is that The Bowl was my turf every Wednesday night. Except that night. That night, it was M.I.A.'s playground and we were just strolling through it like Park Slope dads.

FUCKFEST

So many Norms in the audience. I wished to God that there had been stricter policies at the door on who could actually get in. I felt like complaining but I didn't want Retch to think I was a douche bag. I still needed him to give me free drinks. That dick.

Three shots of Teqkilla later, I was getting pumped up as hell. Like I was about to go and run the gauntlet on American Gladiators (that show was so lame, it's so funny). Did I remember to feed Jem and the Holograms? It was too late because I was locked in for the night. I found a good spot for my cell reception towards the back. I had a lot of texting to do. Billy had bailed on me and Leia was spending the night playing nursemaid to her old man (sigh, women!). I told them both that they weren't my friends if they didn't come down to the Bowl. Billy said we weren't friends anyway and Leia said I owed her $35. Deep down, I knew both of them were right. I called them a cunt and transcribed our conversation into my notebook. Good writers remember details, great writers record them in their Moleskines.

While I was standing there, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. It was Hugh, that shitty guy who took my job at Pitchfork. He was the one who ruined my life for six months and had since become the object of my most bitter hatred outside of anyone who doesn't watch "The Daily Show". I turned around and gave him a huge hug.

"Huuuuugh," I cried with a beaming smile, "How the fuck you been, man?"

"You douche bag," Hugh belted huggingly, "I can't believe you're here!"

"How's my job going, you thieving shit?"

"Great but I thought you left to freelance!"

"Yeah, just kidding! JK!"

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you though," his face melted into that of an austere college professor who wasn't going to let me have an extension on my paper, beard shrinking into his lips, "Do you still have my Care Bears pillow cases? I really miss those, man."

"I thought I gave them back to you!"

"You didn't!"

"Oh man, fuck," I said, "You come by sometime and we'll find those. Probably in a box somewhere!"

They were on my pillows and he was never getting them back as long as I breathed.

"Oh shit, that's cool," Hugh suddenly looked excited again, "Hey come afraid!"

"'Come afraid'? What?"

"Come... back... stage! You prick, I have VIP passes!"

"Wicked!"

EVERY TIME YOU DRINK SEAGRAM'S, YOU SUPPORT THE CAUSE

Just like that, I was gellin' like a felon. Hugh got me into the real party. He led me through the backstage area. We were in some weird lounge area I had never seen before. It was filled with entourage and groupies, magazine writers and wannabes. And pizza. The second the bouncers looked away, we pounced on the pizzas meant for the band. In my haste, I got some sauce on my v-neck and had a small meltdown. Fortunately, nobody noticed the stain because they were all looking for celebs. Unfortunately, the pizza had come from Vinnie's. Bastards.

I texted my dad in Wyoming: "Did u remember 2 tape the game for me?"

You couldn't get baseball on Netflix. Good thing I still had my VCR.

Backstage was already boring. Fuck Hugh. How did he even get those passes? Hugh was such a shit. Where was M.I.A.? I wanted to give her my notes on her new album (her best) and try to trick her into answering questions. Private things about her life. An exclusive might have been enough to get me back on Pitchfork if I could fill it out with some fluff. Maybe some junk from my essay on modern My Little Pony collectors? I could have worked that angle. I'm a professional. Hugh was busy on his iPhone and ignored me when I tried to talk to him. He had a lot of practice with his kids.

Where was Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam? The thirty-five-year-old (but youthful) mom had recently released her third and best album, her "Revolver", to near-universal critical acclaim. I rated it an 9.6 in my review for Rolling Stone, but they already had someone else writing about it and decided not to use mine. Their mistake. Maybe their last.

Dad: "Sry I 4 got 2 tape it. How r u? Love U."

M.I.A. had been up against serious trials and tribulations in her life. Hailing from Sri Lanka (I think that's in Africa), she had reporters out for her blood like wolves on used tampons. She was way too controversial to ever be as mainstream as Lady Gaga. But ultimately, all great artists like her are remembered for their contributions to pop culture. I was looking forward to seeing her on VH1's "Remember The 00's?". I wanted to see her onstage at the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame with Jay-Z and Kanye - the greatest rappers of all time. I figured one day she'd be good enough to earn that spot.

I was seriously bugging. Only a few of my friends had shown up and they were out in GA (General Admission) while I was stuck sitting in the waiting room (Fugazi pun intended) with that cunt rag Hugh. Hugh, you great gorgeous toilet shit of a grizzly bear. You bedbug in my sleeping bag. Hugh. What the fuck, man? I hate you. I figured Kerouac had times like this too. I whiffed a line up my nose while nobody was looking and returned it quickly to my neon green fanny pack.

Some idiot left a tray of Jameson shots out unattended. I'd fix that. My cell was blowing up. People wanted to know where I was. That stupid girl I met outside wanted to ask me if I liked Colorforms. Of course I still played with Colorforms, bitch. I had He-Man waiting for me at home. What did you ever do for me? Blocked.

I started thinking about my career and things that I liked while I chugged a glass of something that was sitting on the table. God's pussyhair, what was that stuff? It tasted like battery acid and dog piss. Don't ask me how I knew what battery acid tasted like.

M.I.A. was about to perform. I couldn't see straight anymore. I heard the music playing. It was Die Antwoord. The floor started getting closer to my face. I love that stupid song. The floor was filthy. Black.

EPILOGUE (OUTRO)

Thursday morning, 3:30 PM. Roommate was being a major league cocksore, as usual. Asked me where I left his keys. That prick. I left them where I always leave them: under his bed, next to his cat's litter box.

3 texts from Hugh. Rejection e-mail from a zine I sent some review materials to. I smelled terrible. Like puke. I felt the way I smelled but worse. I groaned and pulled myself up off the couch.

"Why does everything always happen to me?" I moaned.

"Because you're a self-centered shithead," said Roommate.

I sat down in a lush hangover haze at my typewriter. I had every right to be proud of myself. I was golden. A master of metaphor, a Thomas Jefferson of alliteration.

"Time to write a masterpiece," I said to myself with a knowing smirk, "But how will it end?"

Text from Hugh: "I just left you at your place & I got my pillowcases back you asshole."

Hugh, you big, beautiful mountain of shit.

------------------------------

Alec,

I never want to get another e-mail from you again. how do you not understand what "you're fired" means? Find something else to do with your time.

Susan L.
pitchfork.com

I'm Your Life Coach

2010-09-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

One of my hobbies is coaching lives. I also collect bees. I'll show them to you if you like. Don't worry, they're all either dead or sedated. They can't sting you in that condition. But when I'm not looking at my bees, I'm giving people just like you the tools they need to survive in these trying modern times.

And when I say "tools", I don't mean screwdrivers, spanners or french curlers. I am of course referring to the Tools Of The Trade: the metaphorical skills that enable ordinary sheeple to break free of the constraints of their soap bubble worlds and step outside of them without getting covered in suds.

If you want to be a winner, and I'm sure that you do, you'll read my new advice book, "My First Big Guidebook To Living Successfully By Using The Tools Of The Trade That Arf Knows, 1.0" by Arf Ortiyef (published by Penguin Books). It will be available in fine book retailers and newsstands and on QVC in January. Please look for it. You won't regret reading my great book.

But don't take my word for it... Actually, you should take my word. I am a gentleman of great standing in society and my reputation is as immaculate as the polish of my buckles. Nevertheless, below are some "tidbits" of "words" from my book that should entice you to read even more. Bon apertif!

1. Are you stuck in a rut? Change it up! You can improve your whole outlook by changing something small, like switching to Menthols.

2. Periodically throw away those old boxes of junk in your closet to make room for your LIFE. But keep the condoms - you never know!

3. Try new things but also try old things again. You know how you used to be allergic to almonds? Maybe you're not anymore!

4. Find something you want to improve on, make time for it and practice on your own. This is how all the top surgeons start out.

5. Each morning, get out of bed and vow to make out with someone new. Someone you've never made out with before, maybe even someone you don't know yet.

6. Don't just read life coaching books - BECOME a life coach! That's how Tony Robbins fixed his miserable life: by making money.

7. Never say you "can't" do something. If you think you might know CPR, you probably do. Take charge of the situation!

8. Successful people know when to give up on their lesser dreams. Imagine if Keith Richards had continued his career as a boxer. Or if Gary Glitter had gone back to the university for dentistry. Imagine that.

9. Invest your money in essential things that everyone needs: utilities, Wal-Mart, computers and gold.

10. Very few people are good at everything they do. That's why they're really special.

11. Listen to your friends and hear their points of view on life. But ultimately, only listen until you've smoked all the weed your friend will give you. Then go home and chill. Maybe play some Super Smash Bros or watch Fox News. What is that thing, anyway? Is that a grasshopper? Or a cricket? Oh wait, this isn't Fox News, dude, it's the WB. That's not Neil Cavuto. It's the frog, man. Ha ha.... What am I doing again?

12. Take time to notice the little things in life. Then dwell on them, replay them over and over in your mind, don't let them go.

13. When life hands you lemons, there's not a whole lot you can really do about it. It just sucks.

a chapter from my book, "Sax In Space"

2010-07-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Sax In Space: The Strange Adventures Of Hawkwind" is a novel i wrote about trans-dimensional travelers/astral warriors/space rock band Hawkwind. it was published by Penguin Books in 2002. if you enjoy reading the excerpt below, please look for my book at Borders and Waldenbooks or wherever fine paperbacks are sold.

Chapter 29.

Dik Mik paused, tentatively fingering the Interstellar Ringmodulator control. A bead of thick alien sweat threatened to short a circuit as it oozed like extra-dimensional mercurial soup. He felt a painful lump in his throat as he gently began depressing the silver master key in the grid. He knew he had to act quickly, but this was surely the longest moment of his present lifetime.

"If only I had opened the transdimensional portal while the Silver Machine was still riding sideways through time, the other guys would be here to help calibrate the envelope filters," his brain wrenched in silent desperation. But he knew that if his brothers-in-arms were with him, he would not need to do what was about to be done.

A perspiring digit slipped across the low-frequency oscillator as Dik Mik hastened to make his courageous move. Never before had he regretted so deeply his decision to leave the Orgone mines in system B-12/Zed.

"Lemmy was right all along," he mused, thinking back to a run-on joke established earlier in the book, "this really is the pits."

Gritting platinum cyber-teeth, Dik Mik struck the control key and plunged the frequency dial all the way down.

blogger's note: the book does not contain any album covers. -- ed.

Preview of "The House Of Bread"

2010-07-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

Following are a few brief teasers from my upcoming novella, "The House Of Bread" (published by Penguin Books). I won't give too much away, but it is about a house that is breadier inside than it is outside.

Chapter 4

"...Rye," he muttered, eyes transfixed, "Ceiling's made of rye!"

Chapter 7

Albert paced the Melba linoleum with a heavy, determined stride. He deeply regretted eating the chair. Suddenly, there was a bustle in the hedgerow.

"That mole again," Albert croaked from his crispy, dry throat, "Get out of my caraway bushes!"

"Don't be alarmed now," the house flapped boisterously, "It's just a spring clean for the May Queen. Now have a bite of my shingles."

Albert looked around him in sheer horror. "You can talk?!" he shrieked as the pumpernickel walls of the kitchenette quaked and grumbled.

Chapter 18

A knock was heard on the brittle remains of the wheat cracker door.

"Not again," Albert mumbled under his breath as he crawled on his hands and knees over the crusty floor. His pants had torn, having been caught on a sharp triangle of artisan. A small wound left a trail of blood on the white stucco beneath him as he slowly crossed the living room. With a great deal of effort, Albert managed to rise to his feet and turn the doorknob. It crumbled instantly in his blistered hand. The front door swung wide open with a hasty crumb creak and revealed two men standing on the tiny stoop outside.

"Thad? Justin?" stammered weary Albert, whose eyes were whiter than slices of Sunbeam at noon, "The Austerity Program?! Good heavens! What are you doing here?"

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 5

2010-06-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

How many countries have you traveled to?

712.

If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?

"Wild, Wild West" starring Will Smith and Kevin Nealon.

What one thing are you exceptionally bad at?

i would say the one thing i'm exceptionally bad at is fortune-telling or being psychic in general. i've never been able to accurately predict future events or read the thoughts of others. it is my one failing in life.

What was the worst concert you went to?

Macho Man Randy Savage and Cult Jam.

If you could have been the author of any book, what would it have been?

"Where's HR?" an illustrated childrens' book featuring complex, detailed drawings of crowds of people in exotic locations. and children try to locate Bad Brains singer HR, hidden somewhere in each drawing. my favorite pages are the crust pit at 924 Gilman, the tomato bushes at the Dial house and the shopping mall. it's so funny to see the people lined up at JC Penny's, just trying to get through their day. why is it so crowded there? who knows!

Do you believe in luck?

i don't believe in luck but i do believe in something called "esphraica". it was coined by an ancient nomadic peoples of the Carpathian Mountains.

esphraica is a blessing traditionally bestowed upon the eldest son before he is loaded into a wooden apparatus (known as a "hrucean wheel") and sent down the rockiest mountain in sight. if the son survived, which was rare given the nature of the hrucean wheel, he would become prince of the tribe and thus command all the goats. it was a very respectable position and that is why the blessing of esphraica has become part of our linguistic heritage.

it is a word synonymous with elder sons surviving an ordeal to achieve a higher status, which i find to be much more palatable than this weird notion of "luck". i use this blessing to get higher scores in Windows Solitaire and to win bets i place on animal contests (like races).

What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

a bowl of leeches. i'm not even sure why i did it. just a weird craving, i guess.

What was your favorite book as a child?

it's a toss-up between "The Fable Of The Hateful Teenager Who Is Disrespectful Of His Elders" by Roderick Howard or "Meeting My Body" by Margaret Reader.

What was your favorite movie as a child?

Lorenzo's Oil. i thought it was hilarious. the wacky story of a nutty dad who cannot find that silly oil!

"where is it?" cries Papa, "is it under the sofa?"

it got a little weird when they harvested the oil from the armpits though. i usually fast-forwarded that part.

fun fact though: this film was released on DVD with some deleted scenes and one of these scenes showed that the titular oil made an excellent salad dressing.

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 4

2010-05-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Did you cause that oil spill to cover up your love for me?

i have to stick with my official statement at this time: i was distracted by the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar in the office and i just pressed the "dump" button by mistake. but give me a break - did you see those jugs? gigantic! they held so much oil!

If you could ask Barack Obama one question what would it be?

it seems like there are so many islands in the Virgin Islands. why can't i have just one of them?

What's your favorite color?

the color of my true love's hair... gray with orange smears.

nah, it's salamander-ochre. it was briefly a crayola crayon but it was discontinued in 1994 due to concerns that it was inducing vomiting in small children and large pets.

What's the oldest piece of clothing you still own and wear?

i still wear the fig leaf i was born with to protect my private area from exposure to out-of-wedlock gazes. i just never got around to having that thing removed.

Who's the coolest person you know?

Patrick Stewart. we share the really excellent hobby of miniature ceramic scottish terrier collecting. it's a huge passion for the two of us, so we've spent a lot of time bonding over miniature scottish terrier figurines... we go to flea markets and old ladies' homes after they have passed away and see if they have any scottish terrier figurines. so he's really knowledgeable on that one subject and i think that's as cool as it gets.

i know the answer to your next question and i am the proud owner of 127 miniature scottish terriers. Pat owns 342. so cool.

Would you rather be a zombie or a mummy?

is this a question or a Frank Zappa lyric? wait, i just checked and it's a Frank Zappa lyric from "I Feel Like A Zombie, Don't Tell My Mummy" which goes, in part:

That traveling salesman ain't so cool
In fact his wife thinks he's a fool
Why would you send your kids to public school
TO BE LIKE HIM?

*slide whistle*

What is this black thing on my wang it looks funny
I may be a zombie but don't tell my mummy

*synthesizer farts*

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so you never had to do it again, what would it be?

well what bothers me about the bathroom is that every time i'm in there, i absolutely have to re-enact the scene in The Great Rock N Roll Swindle where Sid Vicious is singing in his underwear and cutting himself with a broken bottle. i mean every time i'm in there? it is really inconvenient. i've had enough of that song.

What do you think is the best way to defeat terrorism?

a $1,000 gift card to Dunkin Donuts. but it has to be valid for more than a year. you can't cheap out on that.

What's one food you'll never eat again?

i am never going to eat Neil Young's BBQ cooking again. i swear to god he was fucking with my head. i am almost positive he was just putting the hamburgers in random ingredients to see if i would say anything. i think he used an entire jar of thyme. i had to pretend i liked it because, you know, it's Neil Young, but i had to excuse myself several times to be sick in his bathroom. next time, i'm manning the grill. and we'll see how much you like my "health shake". hint: you won't like it because it is going to be poisoned.

Who's the most talented person you know?

Yosemite Sam. you wouldn't believe what he can do with a comb and some moustache wax.

What was the last book you read?

"The Complete History Of The Scroll Lock Key" by Richard Milland. light reading at only 893 pages but a wealth of information regarding that key. i was deeply moved by the part where the Scroll Lock function was discovered for the first time.

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 3

2010-05-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

What's one food you'll never eat again?

Dream Cabbage.

What's the most unselfish thing you've ever done?

probably the time i saved a basket of kittens from the top of a tree. the tree was on the roof of a burning building. it was pretty heroic of me. i just wish i could have saved the old man who lived there too, but he seemed OK with me just saving the kittens.

"you go," he probably mumbled through the smoke, "you save those kittens! they have their entire lives ahead of them! i'm just an old man. it's my time - cough - to pass on. cough, cough. take those kittens and go, you brave, hero of a man who is also handsome."

some people might look at that situation and say i wasn't the one who was the real hero, that it was the old man. but i like to think it was me.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin.

Who's the smartest person you know?

Carl Sagan. we've spent many glorious afternoons together at my private estate in the Caribbean, discussing all sorts of intellectual things while enjoying leisurely activities. we have specific pairings, like these:

- Chess and wave theory
- Golf and quantum chromodynamics
- Sparring and literature
- Badminton and how dumb Hawking is

he is also the coolest person i know but you didn't ask.

Were you a Michael Jackson fan?

i was a fan of his line of personal computers, the MCs (Michael Computers). they were sleek, stylish and came pre-loaded with a Moonwalk screensaver and Thriller theme. the mouse came wearing a glove and it would play snippets of Michael Jackson's laughter every time you moved the mouse. the only downside of them was that every time you boot one up, it would ask you if you wanted to come visit a "secret room" in the Neverland Ranch.

i was saddened when the company went out of business but they couldn't hold onto most of their customers. they kept drastically changing the MC's appearance every six months.

What's your favorite drink?

some of my flavorite drinks:

The Silver Machine: it's a drink with a mint julep poured into a giant goblet, doused with moonshine and laced with LSD. it is the only drink guaranteed by the FDA to make you hurl sideways through time.

The Scientific American: it's a vodka martini but every ingredient is measured in graduated cylinders and mixed by a centrifuge. i usually think it tastes good but it takes about six months of peer review before anyone will agree.

The Stormbringer: Guinness draft, Absinthe, Jagermeister and a "magick elixr". it literally makes you temporarily able to summon, communicate with and tame actual dragons. also you will spend an eternity sliding between dimensions. where do you think Alan Alda has been since M*A*S*H? riding dragons through space, dude.

If you had to perform at the circus, what trick would you do?

i stand completely still in the center ring with a single spotlight on me. then all the clowns in the circus circle around me and perform their normal routines for ten full minutes. i tolerate the clowns for all ten minutes and then we all take a bow and exit. i call it "The Aristocrats"!

Who do you think should be the next president of the United States?

George Clinton because he already has the Parliament behind him.

What was your favorite birthday gift?

my favorite birthday gift was the one United States President Barack Obama gave me on my forty-second birthday. it was a shot glass with a silk-screened image of the Washington Monument on it. i was deeply moved by this gift and will treasure it always.

When did you last dream of Gene Hackman offering sensual massages?

i've never had any such dream about Mr. Hackman.

i'd like to think that if the two of us met in the world of the subconscious, we would be able to have an interesting discussion, perhaps while dressed as knights riding a giant frog's back.

probably he would want to ask me a lot of questions, such as, "Who are you? What am I doing here?" and then he would order a beer and a chocolate doughnut from an unseen waitress portrayed by a human-sized ostrich with a mirror ball for a head.

then we would probably go bowling and talk about wars until i woke up.

E-mail from Keira Knightley

2010-04-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

just got this e-mail from film actress Keira Knightley. somehow it wound up in my spam folder by mistake.

Dearest Arf,

It's me, movie star Keira Knightley and I desperately need your help!!! It's sooo hot in here and I need to take off all these clothes right away. But my bra is stuck! The only way I can unclasp this darn strap is if you write to your congressional representatives and urge them to fight deforestation.

Even as my sexy, lithe body glistens with delicious perspiration in this steam room, trees are rapidly being cut down all over South America at an alarming rate. This can lead to unforeseen environmental disasters and increased global warming as well as my clothes remaining on at all times. :(

But there is a way we can fight deforestation and the unscrupulous multinational corporations who manipulate the world's governments into allowing the rampant slash-and-burn destruction of their forests and force me to remain fully-dressed. Please write in and tell your representatives to vote to pass the Woodlands Protection Act right now! Saving the world's trees is the only way I can finally feel your hands caress my perfect, supple body.

Urgently Yours,

Keira Knightley
xoxoxo

Justin Bieber Revealed as a Cryogenic Freezing Experiment, Turns 86 Today

2010-04-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

San Diego - Both legions of tween fans and the medical and scientific communities were stunned today when the Universal Music Group announced that pop singer Justin Bieber was not only the world's first successful cryogenic freezing experiment but also eighty-six years old. The startling revelation was announced in commemoration of Bieber's second year after full thaw.

According to the press release, Justin Bieber was first sold to science in 1924 by his biological parents who received the sum of $2.56 for the infant test subject. Baby Bieber then underwent a top-secret experimental cryogenic freezing procedure that sources indicate may have been both dangerous and illegal. The subject was apparently held in a state of suspended animation while frozen, thus maintaining his youthful appearance for nearly a century.

When asked about funding for the experiment, a scientist who worked on the project for thirty-five years explained, "It's really simple. Every ten or fifteen years, we would thaw the little guy out, shoot a few diaper commercials and stick him back in the tank again. With the scarcity of fresh babies, he was really in demand." He then added that Bieber had appeared in multiple Huggies commercials as well as a cameo role in "Look Who's Talking 2".

A spokesperson for Universal Music Group announced that now that the experiment was a success, they would go on looking for subjects to be potential future pop sensations of the twenty-second century. "Give us your babies," she cackled like an ancient witch before disappearing suddenly in a cloud of green smoke and sulfur, "We will save them forever in our baggies!"

Although the singing sensation was unable for comment, his representatives issued a statement on his behalf: "Justin is so happy that he has been thawed for good and that he can finally live a normal life. He hopes to see you all on his My World Tour. Shout-out to Luda! U my dogg, G!"

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 2

2010-04-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

If you could have the starring role in one movie what would it be?

i would portray Lee Hazlewood in a VH1 biopic called "A Cowboy In Sweden: The Lee Hazlewood Story". i would also write, produce and direct. here's a sample of the script:

INT. A dark, smokey motel room. Some Velvet Morning pumps through a tiny transistor radio. Nancy Sinatra in the bed covered in (her own?) vomit, Lee is sitting in the chair penning another classic.

LH (singing with his acoustic guitar): "Laaa de daaa. No, that's not it. Laa dee doooo. Hrumph."

Nancy stirs. He looks over and takes a drag of his cigarette.

LH: "Good mornin' darlin'."

NS: (Groans) "How long was I out this time, baby?"

LH: "Four days. We've been snowed in. Had to cancel the tour but I've written three new albums."

NS: "Is this my vomit or yours?"

There is a knock on the door. A voice is heard outside the door.

Bellboy: "Room service, Ms. Sinatra!"

LH: "Entre-vous!"

The bellboy enters and unveils a fancy lobster dinner, caviar, champagne.

NS: (Pukes) "Looks ... Looks good!"

that's just a sneak peek! keep watching VH1 for updated info on this film, coming summer 2010!

If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?

Star Wars

Who and when was your first kiss?

it was at a K Records cakewalk in '88 with Kathleen Hanna. we didn't win but we got to talking afterward and i gave her the old "all men should be chemically castrated" line and she totally fell for it. the rest, as they say, is herstory.

What TV show do you wish would go off the air for good?

The Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis. trash like this is a menace to the gentle paradise of American life. do you realize this show actually glorifies teenage dating and other unsafe, adult social activities? any program that features unkempt lowlifes causing trouble is a disgrace and violates every tenet of the American Way. please call your local representatives in the house of congress to ban this filth from the public airwaves forever.

If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull. he seems really laid back and just into having fun. he also seems like he would be really into spending a lot of time in a car with me.

we would probably spend the time talking about interesting subjects such as playing the flute, why Jethro Tull only made one good album, standing on one leg... flutes... so yeah there's a lot of common ground to cover.

we would probably go to 7-11 and buy Slurpees. he would probably complain about the price of Doritos or something and would try to get the manager to lower the price even though it is printed right on the bag. i would assuage the situation by getting him to teach the manager of the 7-11 to stand on one leg with him. then it would all be cool and we'd go back to having a good time.

hopefully this trip would take about fifteen minutes total.

What's your favorite drink?

The Ox. this drink is named after (The Who bassist) John Entwistle and was invented by a London bartender who once served it to its namesake.

it is a good drink for the following times of day: 1AM - 5:30AM, noon, 4:35PM and 5:38PM, especially while staring at old photographs of loved ones who have abandoned or betrayed you.

it's a very simple drink to make and very enjoyable at the aforementioned times of day. here is a simple recipe for the proper way to make The Ox which i learned by listening to a Maurice Dreicer record called "Mixed Drinks For Mixed Company: How To Party Like A Member Of The Who":

1. melt a handful of prescription pills in a tall glass of dark rum.
2. weep directly into the glass.
3. drop one, sad little ice cube into the drink and stare at it while it melts completely away.
4. without looking, grab a bottle of *something* and pour it in until the glass is overflowing for three seconds.
5. drink very quickly while listening to a synthesizer with a broken key droning in another room.

now you can enjoy The Ox as well! our ships at sea!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Barry Ortiyef.

If you could ask God one question what would it be?

i would ask him what would possess him to make a man like Rambo.

What's the origin of your name?

once, i was an ordinary jet-setting multi-millionaire playboy neurosurgeon. in demand the world over for my talent as a doctor and for appearances as man of the hour, i was always traveling. but a freak accident in my nephew's 1991 nissan stanza, wherein a copy of The Chronic he dubbed off a boombox was stuck in the tape deck, left me paralyzed in the hands and unable to turn off the tape.

unable to continue my medical practice or to enjoy copping feels, i retreated to a life of quiet hermitude in a remote tibetan monastery, deep in the himalayan mountains. after several years of mystic training with a kung-fu guru named ron at the aforementioned monastery, i was able to focus magnificent marvelous magic through my fingertips at will!

i vowed to return to a life of jet-setting and crime-fighting but i got tired of neurosurgery so i don't do that anymore. and then a dutchman said my name was arfortiyef and that's about it.

Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?

i'd really like to hear Gene Simmons answer this question. your gut tells you that Gene is a pool guy all the way, but if you think about it, you could just as easily imagine him on the beach. Ace Frehley, of course, is a straight-up pool man. no doubt about that. but Gene Simmons, it could go either way. i'm probably going to spend the rest of the day thinking about this.

Q&A with Arf Ortiyef, Part 1

2010-04-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

here are some highlights from my new web page on formspring.me, where you and a robot can ask me any questions you like! go there now and ask me a question: http://www.formspring.me/arfortiyef

If you were stranded on a desert island, which one person would you bring with you?

Thanks for asking me this question. It means a lot to me that you would think of something so insightful and care enough to ask me about it. The truth is, I would bring you to the desert island (deserted?) with me. We would spend the rest of our days asking each other questions like this and then answering them, in turn. It would be kind of like the movie "Hell In The Pacific". You would be Captain Tsuruhiko Kuroda and I would be Lee Marvin, except instead of us fighting and enslaving each other, we would be asking each other questions all day long. It's going to be great.

May I also go to the questionable desert island?

it depends on your skill sets. what can you contribute to the desert island? do you work well as part of a team? how good are you at answering phones? do you have experience working with Excel, Office, PowerPoint, etc? do you require daycare services?

What do you think of gout?

totally hot

Who's the most underrated athlete?

probably the Ultimate Warrior.

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

my collection of jars of air from different parts of the world was contaminated six years ago. now all the jars smell like a combination of old pizza boxes and the interior of a 1991 Toyota Camry that has been parked under direct sunlight at Six Flags Great Adventure for a full day. i guess it's time to get rid of that stuff and start collecting something else... like interesting bumper stickers or guns.

What was the best concert you went to?

a Nickelback concert. oh, best concert i've been to? i misread that - i thought you were asking "What is the worst thing you could imagine?"

the best concert was this festival that had the following bands: Inflatable Boy Clams, Slayer, War (doing exclusively Flipper covers), Reign In Jello (cover band that did Slayer songs in the style of the Dead Kennedys), the Chameleons, Cherubs, Yo La Tinga De Pollo (a band that sounded like Suicidal Tendencies - i don't understand the name), Killdozer, Sha Na Na, Belphegor (they had a guy in a wheelchair playing guitar for the first song - it was really weird), the dude from the Soft Boys playing an acoustic guitar by himself, Rubella Ballet (stole the show, really), Way Hap, NON, Jerry's Kids, Chairman Mao And The Dissenters, Glazed Baby, Henry Rollins (just ranted for three hours about Thai ladyboys, pretty boring stuff), Roky Erickson, Timehammer, The Thai Ladyboys, Beenie Man, Gallhammer, Wham, Foetus Under Glass, Foetus In Excelsis Dio (tribute band that played Dio songs in the style of Foetus Inc), Method Man and Ghostface Killah, Head Of David, Tar, Kid Sister, Goblin, Herpes?, Baby Huey, Dow Jones and the Industrials, Slather (performed late-period Frank Zappa covers in the style of Slayer), Gorgoroth, Meat Puppets, M.I.A., Nargoroth and CSNY.

unfortunately it got shut down by the local fire marshal before the first band could even play. it was going to be the greatest, though.

What did you dream about last night?

Kate Bush was giving me a swimming lesson inside a gigantic stomach (or were we very small?) filled with curried chicken salad. when we got out of the pool, we had to have our portrait taken, still soaking wet with chicken salad, by cigar-smoking Hervé Villechaize. then Ms. Bush had to go sing a song about "in heaven, everything is fine". it was very strange.

i was just about to head back into the pool when i was captured by French authorities and arrested. in jail, they gave me two choices: serve ten years in jail or a lifetime of service in the French Foreign Legion. i chose jail of course but the next thing i knew, i was digging a trench in the Morroccan desert. every time i dug a shovelful of sand, it turned into snakes or insects and the hole was full again.

i repeated this for what seemed like an eternity when suddenly, the shovel became a giant ring and the sand became a giant ear. i pressed the ring through the ear and held on tightly as i was lifted up on the face of a giant whose head wound up almost in space. then i hopped inside this weird car the size of a 747 and King Buzzo was there! fortunately, there was an eight-track player in there and it had two tapes: Deep Purple's "Machine Head" and Foghat's "Fool For The City".

unfortunately someone taped over the Deep Purple tape and i was stuck listening to this weird song that sounded like a cross between the Gilligan's Island theme song and a church hymn.

What's the best gift you've ever given?

what's with all the questions? i'm tired of it. ask somebody else, dickface.

What's the secret to happiness?

it's actually simpler than you realize: never cut your fingernails. just let them grow and grow as long as they like and you will be happier by the inch.

it's no coincidence that the man with the world record for the longest fingernails also holds the world record for happiest man.

women can become happier by tending to the fingernails of long-fingernail-bearing men. only with the proper maintenance and care of men's elongated fingernails can women achieve true happiness. i don't make the rules, i just report them. this is all stated clearly in the Bible - look it up!

Who's the coolest person you know?

the coolest person i know personally? Jay Leno.

i love nothing more than visiting my friend Jay, hanging out in his garage with him, talking about vintage cars and late night talk show stuff.

let me set the stage: i go over to his estate in my blue denim shirt (casual attire - we dress down because we are so tight) and we make tacos for dinner. then he always takes me for a spin in some rare car i've never seen before and sometimes he lets me drive! we usually drive on interesting historical roads and he points out houses where celebrities used to live. he is really into taking me to Baskin-Robbins to taste delicious ice cream with the little pink spoons. then we go to his orchard and pick peaches and i laugh at his hilarious jokes. sometimes he even tells me the jokes he is going to say on TV in advance!

yes, Jay Leno, easily. he is just the coolest.

What's your favorite movie quote?

definitely the one from Terminator 2: "It's OK - I'll come back!"

Excerpts from The Moneychangers

2010-04-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

The following images and text are from actual pages of an actual book written by an actual author. The book is the Reader's Digest condensed version of the 1975 novel, "The Moneychangers", written by Arthur Hailey. This book was made into a TV mini-series starring Kirk Douglas.

Jay Leno Rumors

2010-03-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to preface the following entry to my blog with a disclaimer. Although I have heard, on good authority (a temp for a company located near to the town that the National Enquirer is printed in) that all of these rumors regarding disgraced talk show host Jay Leno are true, they are thus far unsubstantiated.

Jay Leno loooooooves chocolate. It's hard for him to resist!

Jay Leno once played bass in an incarnation of The Murder Junkies as JJ Shitfuc. He was kicked out for being too mean.

Jay Leno cannot help but pinch every grapefruit he sees.

Jay Leno once got Cuban cigars for his birthday. *Illegal* Cuban cigars.

Jay Leno never shaves his face. He uses depilatory creams instead.

Jay Leno took the name Jay Leno as his stage name because it is an anagram for Axl Rose.

Jay Leno is bad at cooking pasta.

Jay Leno secretly wears a stronger prescription reading glasses than anyone realizes.

I've heard a rumor, I can't personally substantiate it, but I have heard tell that Jay Leno is a talentless piece of shit.

Jay Leno once forgot to tuck in his denim shirt but a wardrobe assistant tucked it in for him.

Jay Leno has never kissed anyone in his entire life. That's the only thing I can think of that explains why he is so awful.

Jay Leno once heard a Tuxedomoon song but never found out what it was and then forgot about it.

Jay Leno has the penmanship of a small girl. Bubble letters and a heart above every "i".

Jay Leno makes a cameo appearance in Twilight: New Moon.

Jay Leno routinely cheats at skee-ball by walking up the ramp and placing each ball into the middle hole.

Jay Leno has no idea which wine to drink whenever he orders the still-beating heart of a small child on a golden dish.

Jay Leno wears a cologne that some people particularly dislike.

Jay Leno once briefly managed Overkill.

Jay Leno has survived for years eating solely green room crudités and things he finds in his driveway.

Jay Leno plans on leaving The Tonight Show in 2008.

Jay Leno is legally required to wear gloves in most states because anything he touches turns to shit.

Jay Leno is only allowed to walk outdoors at high noon and after dark because his very shadow burns anything it is cast upon.

Jay Leno was once a professor at a university in France and personally taught Pol Pot everything he knew.

Jay Leno hates children and has been known to kick small, domesticated animals without provocation.

Jay Leno's very breath has been known to ferment grapes, a boon to the small Italian village where he was born.

Jay Leno always wears a patch over his left eye because it is cursed and one gaze from it can wither an ordinary houseplant.

Jay Leno's entire body is covered with Neo-Nazi tattoos, including a large swastika on his face.

Jay Leno is intolerant of anyone who wears a kilt and thinks that it is wrong to be Scottish.

Jay Leno takes a sponge bath every time he goes on a sex tourism vacation in Thailand.

If he could travel back in time, Jay Leno would not kill Hitler.

Every night, Jay Leno bathes in a steaming pool of chamomile tea. He keeps his denim shirt on.

Jay Leno has a posse. But they are all very old people with no sense of humor.

Jay Leno waters his cars whether they need it or not.

Jay Leno's rider contract includes the demand of a full, unopened set of scented markers in his trailer.

Jay Leno has a room in his house with nothing in it except for one chair and one hundred pivoting electric fans.

What Jay Leno loves the most about a fresh wheel of fine, aged brie is the ecstatic feeling it gives him when he massages it into his servant's hair.

Jay Leno collects fried chicken skins and has an archive of fried chicken skins that spans nearly thirty years.

Jay Leno has collaborated with both Merzbow and The Residents.

No one has ever seen Jay Leno's face.

Ancient scrolls found in the Dead Sea suggest that Jay Leno has been a total hack since the very dawn of civilization.

A letter to Belphegor

2010-02-16T08:24:00.000-08:00

Feb 16, 2010 10:22 AM

BELPHEGOR ARE CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR A TALENTED LIVE GUITARIST!

* Must be European, with the ability to travel
* You are a prof. musician – stage / tour experience preferred
* You are tight with rhythm and can play leads as well
* You are 100% into rehearsing, practising, touring, festivals, shows
* You are generally interested in Metal musick and can fit with
bands appearance

Everybody who is interested and fits the requirements may contact the
band's management wih photo/ mp-3/ video demonstrating playing ability:

belphegor@aon.at

Feb 16, 2010

Dear Gentlemen of Belphegor,

I am writing to you today because I am a talented, live guitarist and would like to join your band. First let me assure you that I meet, or exceed, all of your most exacting standards. I am indeed a native of the European Union and I have the Euros to prove it. Last month, I finally got a wheelchair, so now I am able to travel anywhere with wheelchair-accessible ramps. As they say in show business, "have guitar, will travel!" That's just a little joke. But I really do have a guitar and I will be able to put it in the rear compartment of my wheelchair during travel.

Next, as you state in your post of inquiry, I am indeed a professor of music. I teach electric guitar at the local community college here in Dovenover (Doven U, as the kids call it). It was sad for me to say goodbye to the students in the middle of the school year like this, but as I explained to them, my dream of playing guitar in Belphegor was an opportunity I couldn't miss! As for my experience playing live, I have that covered too, of course. I have conducted the Pop Concert at Doven U (unofficially called The Annual Mini-Eurovision Contest of Dovenover University) for the past fifteen years running. Except for in 1996, when I had to have an appendectomy and my Teacher's Assistant Phil filled in for me (hey, "Phil", "filled" - it rhymes, get it? Wow, I never noticed that until now). That concert was an utter disaster. Three different students performed back-to-back arrangements of "California Love" by Tupac. Don't worry, I fired Phil so fast he was scheduling burgers at McDonald's the next day. My point is that I have plenty of stage experience, so I am confident that I will be able to conduct your band with ease.

As for my playing ability, it's in the bag. I can play the following songs and also teach you how to play them on electric guitar in just a few lessons:

    "Purple Haze"
    "Smoke On The Water"
    "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
    "Stairway To Heaven"
    -> any Green Day song <-
    "American Pie"
    "Unforgiven 2" by Metallica

And that's just for starters. If you want to bring in a tape of a song you want to learn, or if you want to buy a sheet music book out front, I can teach you just about anything. Just give me a week's notice and I can show you most of it at the next lesson. Guaranteed.

One thing I tell all my students is: whether you want to play like Jimmy Page or the guy from Seven Mary 3: practice, practice, practice! So having me in your band, Belphegor, would be a boon and a Godsend: just imagine how much better you will become after all those free guitar lessons on the tour bus! By the end of the tour, audiences will be wondering, "Who is that playing 'Swarm Of Rats', Eric Clapton? I thought we came to see Belphegor, but apparently Slowhand is doing Layla up there! I don't feel ripped off, though, I wish I could actually pay twice as much for this concert experience!"

Now the next requirement, "You are 100% into rehearsing, practicing, touring, festivals, shows" is one that I, unfortunately, do not meet exactly. I SURPASS IT!!! 100%? No. 1005%. That's how much I'm into it. This band is my life! I told my kids exactly that this morning while I was dropping them off at their mother's house, I said, "Kids, Belphegor is not just my favorite musical act, they are my whole way of life! I am into them 1005% and that is why I will be gone for the rest of the year and probably forever. We will be recording and partying and before you know it, Christmas comes and goes, birthdays, I just don't have time for you anymore. Belphegor is my family now!" They cried their little eyes out but I felt like I made up for it by buying them each a small turtle and some ice cream later that day.

As for my appearance, of course I have the entire rocker look down. I have never seen what you guys look like because I bought your albums off iTunes, but I know a thing or two about wild rock bands. I grew up listening to all the real rockers: Janis Joplin, Jefferson Airplane, the Dead. So my style is hip and cool. Please imagine my stage entrance like this:

Drums pounding the beat of "We Will Rock You" on a pitch-black stage. It feels like it goes on forever but it only lasts five minutes, building anticipation in the audience. A slow bassline throbs in, but who's playing? Nobody the audience can see. Then, some decent guitar riffs chug into the mix. Anonymous figures on the stage, the smell of incense and White Castle lingers in the air, black as midnight in the belly of Hell. "What's going on?" wonder members of the audience, "Where is Belphegor?" Suddenly, a guitar chord is struck and rings out and a single spotlight floods a lone man, seated in his hot-rod wheelchair, facing away from the seas of fans in the pit. The next guitar chord rings out as he simultaneously spins around, revealing him in all his rockin' glory. Dennis of Belphegor: sexy brown afro tied tightly with an American flag bandanna, Rod Price-style moustache glistening in the sweat of the rock to come, perched in his wheelchair like the King of Rock on his evil throne. The wheelchair itself is motorized and features a remarkable pyrotechnics display timed to the guitar solos he plays. The rest of the band performs in darkness for several songs and remains shrouded in darkness while Dennis does his contractually-guaranteed guitar solos. About half an hour in, the lights flash for a second on the rest of the band, but are quickly shut off again so that the audience can focus on the raw sexual energy of the lead guitarist, a fifty-seven-year-old hunk of burnin' love. Then he sets his Fender Strat on fire and throws it to the stage!

That's just the beginning. I have about eight pages of choreography written for our performances, but I wanted to give you a taste of things to come. I don't have a photo handy, but I assure you, with my brown leather fringe jacket, my beads, and my vintage Levi's flares, I will be the star of any show Belphegor plays.

Well, that's me in a nutshell! As you can tell, I am a talented, living guitarist and I am very excited to be part of your band. I don't expect there is any need for an audition, so just let me know where you guys practice and I will be there with bells on (not literally wearing bells). I will also be sending along my rider requirements (only a few pages, I'm not that fussy) and the contact information for my lawyer, who will be representing me on all official matters regarding the band. Also, I'm going to need a phone number for you guys so that my manager can make arrangements for hotel accomodations and I just want you all to remember that I have a nut allergy. So please, no nuts anywhere near me! You don't want me to have an allergic reaction onstage, I assure you. Vomiting, swelling, sweating even more than usual, the smell - not a pretty sight!!!

OK, I guess that's about it. I look forward to meeting all my new bandmates and the upcoming tour.

Sincredibly,

Dennis Chesterfield Jr.
Lead / Slide Guitarist
Professor of Beginner's Guitar 101, Dovenover University

A letter from John Ashcroft to the President of France

2010-01-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

January 25th, 2010

Dear President Sarkozy,

I am writing to you on behalf of the people of the United States of America. I would like to begin this letter by admitting that our countries have had our differences in the past. There was that whole Freedom Fries fiasco in 2003. But I personally had very little to do with that.

Even though it hasn't always been politically acceptable, I have always, deep down, been a Frenchman at heart. I remember things like the French and Indian War, the Statue of Liberty, Laetitia Casta in my wife's magazines. These are the things that are the foundation of the great and long-lasting brotherhood between our two nations.

And it is in the spirit of these traditions of brotherhood that I am writing to you today, Mister President. I have spent a great deal of time and money on a private project to benefit your nation and celebrate the camaraderie of France and America. It is an eternal symbol of our friendship and the combined glory our countries share. Mister President, it is with great humbleness that I present to you France's new official flag:

I know this was unsolicited but that is why it is a gift from me, on behalf of all Americans, to your country. I felt that too much confusion stems from the commonality of the red, white and blue colors, so that was the first thing that had to change. A team of top designers spent months choosing a bold yet timeless color scheme and pattern. Now your flag is ready for the twenty-first century and beyond!

In conclusion, Mister President, I am most confident that you will immediately put this flag into circulation on every flagpole in your proud nation. That you will bear this gift with the same grace we have with our Lady Liberty. Please, there is no need to send your "merci". I will bid you farewell and say, "you're welcome."

God bless America,

John Ashcroft
Former United States Attorney General

Advertisement for Jim Beam & Cola

2009-12-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

The following is a treatment for a television advertisement I wrote for the product Jim Beam & Cola. It stars Neil Diamond.

Opening shot: Neil Diamond with a six pack of Jim Beam & Cola in his trailer after another sold-out hot Vegas night.

"God damn," he gasps after a long pull, "it's so lonely on the road... Even when the road is the same three clubs on the Vegas strip."

He paces the dressing room like a caged tiger, a cruel glint in his eye. He stops and stares into the mirror, a burly belch escaping his gullet as the twenty lightbulbs frame his weathered reflection.

"God, I miss the old days. Where have you gone, Shilo?! WHERE?!" he screams to no one. And no one hears, not even the chair.

Suddenly, the door opens and a lean silhouette steps into the darkened room. High heels plunge into the deep green carpet as Diamond turns his sight slightly to check the figure over his shoulder. But he does not need to look, for he already knows her by her scent. It's the same bottle of cheap Eu De Paris that he sent her all those years ago.

"Sweet Caroline," he barely mutters, turning slowly.

"Got another Jim Beam & Cola in a can for an old friend?" she smiles as she tosses a mink stole onto the loveseat, the diamond brooch clinking gently on the wood.

"Jim Beam & Cola in a can: the one you'll hold onto."

"Sweet Caroline" flourishes, fade to black.

Grade school book report on Blue Öyster Cult

2009-12-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

The following is an unedited paper I wrote in the sixth grade about a new album by Blue Öyster Cult. They had just released "Mirrors" and I was very excited about it.

Please excuse the grammatical mistakes (my teacher didn't). I received a D+ because the assignment was to write about why we celebrate Thanksgiving.

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September 18th, 1979

Arf Ortiyef
Mrs. June's class
Grade 6

June 1979. The streets are electric with the crackling charge of anticipation. Millions of ordinary humans line up in front of record stores across the world to purchase one album and one album only: "Mirrors" by the legendary trans-dimensional travelers Blue Öyster Cult.

The "Mirrors" LP goes from strength to strength. An album that begins with a track like "Dr. Music" only to immediately follow it with the epic "The Great Sun Jester"? Unprecedented! Allow me to shed some light on the subject:

Dance on fire with me babe
The flames ain't gonna stop
Come on and show me
That you're ready to trot

Well, you can call me Dr. Music
Music is my game
Well, you can call me Dr. Music
Music is my name

Not only is his name MUSIC. Not only does he have a doctorate in the subject of music. Music is his ENTIRE GAME. I hope that you're bringing your finest trot to this table because it has been ornately set by this factual poem written by an actual doctor. And he will probably play the spoons.

The stakes have already been set so high you have to dip into your children's college savings account. How on earth do you follow a song like "Dr. Music"? A lesser band would not dream of trotting out a massive epic already, they would save it for the B-side. But Blue Öyster Cult are NOT of this world!

And he took the stars in his hands
And as he scattered them he'd shout
"I'm the joker of the universe
I'm what it's all about."
Now he's dying in his grief
And the hard men dragged him down
They have killed the wild-eyed jester
They have killed the fireclown

Are you happy now? The Sun Jester merely wanted to fulfill his destiny as supreme comic to the celestial bodies of our universe! That's what star clowns do! But you have killed him. How dare you throw cosmic tomatoes at this glorious champion of time and space.

"In Thee" is a tender love ballad about loving someone so much that you want to be in them. This subject has rarely, if ever, been explored so deeply and with the full length of a poet's throbbing power than in this song. It is a song completely stretched to the limit with the massive girth of a pulsing bassline and sticky with the ferocious pounding of rock hard beats. I can imagine jeans across the country bulging with spare change to buy this album just for this song alone. I suppose this will be the lead single because it is a song for chicks.

The title track features background singers who reinforce just how pretty girls are in mirrors. How pretty? So pretty that you can't look away. But this song is a warning: Do not become pretty because you will be sucked into a "negative space" vortex and your flesh will be packaged like sweet italian sausages in the shrink wrap of vanity! BEWARE, pretty girls! Like the stare of Medusa, which you can avoid by gazing at her in a mirror, you have to avoid ... Wait, you shouldn't look into mirrors because then you'll see how pretty... Well, you get it.

In a purple vision
Many thousand years ago
I saw the silent stranger
Walk the earth alone

It really doesn't get any better than that. I dare you to come up with a better lyric to alternate with bluesy guitar twangs and sing over a slow, heavy riff. You can't, because it can't be done and I've just saved you a few minutes of time. You're welcome. This is a difficult song for you to understand (although I have no trouble understanding it), but I will try and come down to your level for a moment. There is something chasing him because he has a camera and voices are chanting "come to us" but he doesn't want to so he prays to the heavens and then there's a great guitar solo. It totally wails.

This song reminds me of the time I stayed up until past midnight eating Twizzlers and Oh Henrys and fell asleep on the couch with cartoons on and I had a nightmare about being in a distant alien world where I was watching Blue Öyster Cult perform in front of millions of aliens. It started out great but it got scary when Jabba the Hutt showed up and threw me into his death pit and I had to fight a boar-man. Fortunately, Eric Bloom came down and helped me beat his stupid ass to a pulp with the power of his stun guitar and a lightsaber. But then we started plummeting into an endless void and the last thing I heard before I woke up was Eric yelling, "Arf maan, you're our biggest faaaaan! Rock on, little buddyyyyyy!" I promised I would.

"I Am The Storm" is an understated rocker about being so angry at someone that you feel like a violent storm. The meaning is often obscured by the miasma swirling delicately around lines such as, "You'll hear my echoes of anger / You'll fear the roar of my thunder". This is a device utilized by many poets, such as Carl Sagan, to describe something that stupid people cannot understand. It is called "irony".

Then there's the Cars cover and the clavi-disco-circa-late-Led Zeppelin song. I'll be honest: I fell asleep after I had jumped around so much during "I Am The Storm", but I sort of heard those two as I drifted off. In the near future, I anticipate that Blue Öyster Cult, the greatest band in the universe, will go on tour in support of their latest opus, then get back to saving the Shi'ar Empire with the Starjammers. If asked, I will leave school and join them in their interstellar space adventures and I may never be heard from again. It will be worth it for the glory of defeating the Skrulls in the name of Majestrix Lilandra, Queen of the Shi'ar Empire. In conclusion, this has been my book report about "Mirrors" by Blue Öyster Cult and I have now written enough words right this minute starting right now.

The End.

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Teacher's comments:

D+

Keep this up and you will not make it through this school year. See me after class.

Wine Tips

2009-12-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

Scenario: You are attending a lavish black-tie soiree on the luxury yacht of a fellow upper-classman. Your host unveils three bottles of wine on a solid-gold platter and asks you to do the honor of choosing which wine to decant on this auspicious occasion. But, he warns, only one of these bottles is his finest vintage and the other two are ordinary grape juice that have been left under a radiator for two weeks. Choosing incorrectly will assure that the gravest embarrassment you can imagine will immediately befall you and haunt your family's name for the next thousand years. Additionally, you have only sixty seconds before you are lowered into the shark tank. Which wine will you choose?

(End Scenario)

We have all been in this situation before. Even the most cultured among us (Paul) sometimes has great difficulty with the daunting thing of wine. But to be a wine expert ("wino") takes years of hard studying, rigorous drilling and learning French. It takes professors a full semester at Ivy League University to explain the math formula for differentiating between a "Merlot" and a "Cabernet Sauvignon" which is why few people in the world understand the difference between "Merlot" and "Cabernet Sauvignon". Who has time for that? You don't.

That is why I am here. I will help you understand and appreciate fine wines, irregardless of your educational background (NOTE: You must earn above $750,000 to completely appreciate some wines -- ed). Here now are some essential Wine Tips from my forthcoming best-seller, "Wine Pros And Cons: Live A Great Life With Wine".

- How can you tell a good wine? Average wines have the standard cork top, but the invention of the screw cap has rendered this obsolete. Stay away from messy "cork style" wine.

- Another major advancement is box packaging. Box wines will not tip over or shatter, thus giving them an edge over glass bottles. Additionally, the empty wine box can be re-used as a lunchbox for small children to take to school. There is no reason to buy low-tech wine.

- Look at the alcohol content of an average wine. Relatively low! True Wine Pros want more bang for their buck. Try an ESQ or a 20/20.

- Important wine characteristics to think about: bouquet, colour, taste, chuggability.

- A typical wine will require some time to breathe. A quality wine does not breathe at all because it is not made of animals.

- Play music for your wine! You, the Wine Pro, will choose The Buffalo Springfield, Cat Stevens or CSNY to play for your wine.

- It is important to know wines by their vintage year. All of the best wines were bottled during Yankees World Series victory years.

- Wines should be matched to appropriate foods. A 2009 Cabernet from Chile goes great with White Castle.

- Wine Pros know to look for wines with at least two different types of wine blended together in the same bottle. Why? Value.

- Whisper sweet nothings into your wine! It loves it.

- The correct procedure for wine tasting: scope, sniff, swirl, sip, swallow some, spit, swathe, sharp swiss (SSSSSSSSSS).

- Remember: incorrectly treated wines can turn into vinegar! Do not drink them! Pour them on a green salad with oil.

- Stomp your own grapes.

- When you get near the end of a bottle of wine, you will find a note reading, "Five leaves left". This means you should refill the printer cartridge.

- Select the correct wine for the occasion by remembering this mnemonic device: White for Weeping, Red for Sleeping.

- The cork, often discarded after use, is actually a delectable treat. Harvested by pigs (in a similar manner to the way truffles are rooted from the ground), cork is edible and, some say, tastes just like an ice cream cone.

- An ancient proverb states: "Only a fool judges a wine; only a wine judges a fool." I don't know what this proverb means.

- Some experts recommend removing your chewing gum before tasting a wine.

Haikus by GG Allin

2009-11-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

It is a little-known fact that prior to his death, punk rocker GG Allin briefly underwent some court-ordered art therapy. As part of his therapy, he was forced to compose haikus for several days. Unfortunately, the paper the haikus were on were swallowed and regurgitated repeatedly by Allin on the final day of treatment.

Most fans never thought the much-rumored-about poems would surface. But a roadie who once worked for Mr. Allin has since found, restored and transcribed most of these poems. Presented here for the first time are some of the court-mandated works by GG Allin.

I'm a mean outlaw
Consider a waterfall
I'll rape someone soon

The sun shines above
Or a flourescent light bulb?
Oh, I'm in prison

When I'm soaked in blood
I'm free as a spring robin
Flinging my feces

Nothing's on T.V.
I guess I'll get drunk again
And shave my moustache

So many creatures
The deer, the bears and the fish
Now eat my fuck, cunt

The blooming flower
So delicate and fragile
And it smells so nice

Breaking, entering
Looking around for some beers
A reverse Santa

How did I get this
Full-sleeve tattoo of Star Wars?
With Jabba the Hutt

Going to rock now
Gonna rock so hard all night
Gonna rock, all right

Prostitute named Dee
I'll steal your cash while you sleep
Then I'll buy pizza

Somebody fucked up
My 401k statement
Now I can't read it

I'm getting married
To your family dog, Spot
Because we're in love

Rejected Ideas For "Mission: Impossible" Episodes

2009-11-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

- Precision-timed tapioca explosion sabotages South American coup d’état.

- Each agent wears a mask to impersonate another agent just for a goof.

- Coughing on the Chinese ambassador to Cuba.

- Trick drug lord into staking his entire fortune on a rigged game of Monopoly.

- Just watch Barney drill through wall after wall while others wait on the other side.

- Everyone does freestyle accents and the country they're in is never named.

- Put everyone into steamer trunks, hope the post office sorts it out.

- "Escape From Wet Cardboard Prison"

- Entire plan hinges on the old "hey, look over there!" trick.

- Use bikini babes to seduce Nazis, trick them into fighting over the blonde one.

- Trick aging Prime Minister of small, landlocked country into thinking pirates are invading.

- Flood the underground base with waves of kittens.

- The tape doesn't self-destruct for some reason; Jim spends the entire episode trying to get his lighter working.

- Replace the entire cache of rebel weapons with Super-Soakers.

- Make the new guy change clothes with at least thirty soldiers before admitting it's not even part of the mission.

- Mission: peeping on Cinammon from behind two-way mirror.

- The lasagne has to be finished baking before 3 o'clock.

- Missionaries karate-chop foreign dignitaries, deliver expired cheesecakes.

- Holiday clip show.

- Due to budget cuts, the team must improvise hi-tech gadgets with things they've found around Jim's apartment (eg. dental floss, brandy snifters, ordinary pencils, Vaseline, mints, 8x10 photographs of themselves).

- The team is sent to overthrow the dictator of "Irap" but it turns out to be a typo.

- Monkees crossover with high-speed chase sequences.

- Even though they must trust each other with their very lives, nobody on the Impossible Missions Team can stand Mr. Herbert, Master Magician. Because he is a pompous ass.

- Poisoned deli trays. Think about it.

Diary of a kick drum squeak microphone engineer

2009-10-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

Excerpts from the journal of Artie "Ratty" Johns, assistant recording engineer.

December 1st, 1970. Fresh out of college and I already got my first big break working at Basing Street! I cannot believe my luck. I also can't believe that blackmailing Chris Blackwell's son with those embarrassing photos we took at Susan's party got me the job! I have earned this opportunity and I will make the best of it. Hopefully there will be a lot of ska bands coming through. I can't stand rock music. Also: ate the best brownies today.

December 13th, 1970. Looks like my luck has run out. I'm stuck in this project running mics for Led Zeppelin. They are so awful I don't know what to do with myself. They never play anything reggae-influenced at all. I'm tempted to poison the guitarist's beer. I have found rat poison in the storage closet and he seems pretty out-of-it most of the time anyway. I'd love to be finished with these idiots but I'm locked in for the long run. They aren't paying me enough to listen to these damn guitar solos.

December 15th, 1970. The band is doing this horrible song called, "Hairway To Steven" or something like that. It takes foreveeeeeerrr to end. There are no upbeat rhythm guitars, just weird poetry and balladry. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear marijuana being put to such an evil purpose. Just realized today that the singer is not a woman. "Robert? I thought your name was Robin." I was really embarrassed because I had been hitting on her/him. Long hair on men should be a federal offense. Hate my job.

December 16th, 1970. I thought I had it bad, but at least I'm not working down the hall. Jethro Tull might be even worse than Led Zeppelin (who can't even spell their own name properly). The one guy looks like he's a hobo and it turns out he is their flutist! I had asked him to leave before I found out, of course. The police I called were pretty steamed but we let them watch the bands for a while so they wouldn't write me a ticket. More egg on my face.

December 17th, 1970. Well, things took a turn for the worse. The drummer keeps playing pranks on me, making me eat things filled with drugs. I woke up on the mixing console, completely naked except for some strategically-placed gaffa tape, remembering absolutely nothing of the last eight hours. But that isn't even the worst of it. The worst part is that my role as recording assistant has been strictly limited to miking the kick drum pedal. I don't even get to mic the kick drum, only the pedal itself. The band says they like the squeak the chain makes! The squeak mic alone took four hours to set up in just the right place and as soon as it was all OK, someone put WD-40 on it! I almost puked right there. But I made it to the toilet in time to puke in the sink.

December 18th, 1970. "Ratty, move the squeak mic 2cm to the left! Ratty, move it a hair forward! No, the other forward!" I went to university for four years to spend my days adjusting a microphone that records a kick drum squeak. Hate my job. Hate Led Zeppelin. If only they would do these songs in a reggae style, they might be alright. Maybe they could call themselves, "Jah Zeppelin" or "The Led Dreads" or something like that. These people are clueless. They have no idea what real music is.

December 20th, 1970. Got fired for poisoning Jim Page. Unfortunately, he was rushed to the hospital and had his stomach pumped. He survived and I lost my job - it's all so unfair! I should have used the rat poison instead of that packet of Blue Cheer. Now what am I going to do? Oh well. I'm going to have the last laugh when this album tanks and they lose their record contract. I've heard they're so upset over this poisoning incident, they're going to a different studio to finish recording it! This thing is going to be the biggest flop in music history.

--------------

June 8th, 1973. Can't believe I passed up a royalty on that album when Bonham was wasted and adding everyone to the contract. Fucking thing sucks.

This Tweet In History: Post-Apocalyptic Future Edition

2009-10-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

2036 AD. 24 years after the fall of mankind, gorillas discover an alien monolith that teaches them how to gamble.

2037 AD. First survivors finally emerge from fallout shelter: Rick Ross, Eddie Money, Pauly Shore, bumblebees.

2038 AD. Irradiated bumblebees kill Money, Shore, but decide to live on Rick Ross's face, creating a Superbeard.

2039 AD. Actual monkeys, with hyper-advanced brains, start Monkees tribute band. Beetles start less-popular ELO tribute band.

2040 AD. Ten tons of ice cream melts and leaks out of a storage plant, making a sidewalk taste delicious.

2041 AD. Anteaters and ants gather to sign Super-Animal Peace Accord of 2041, but it turns out to be a trick.

2042 AD. A single TV set in Uninhabited Zone 188-C somehow still plays episodes of Flavor Of Love.

2043 AD. Dolphins mutate and grow legs and lungs but decide they would rather stay in the ocean after all.

2044 AD. Mutated motorcycle gang forgets why they are chasing outsiders anyway and goes back to their families.

2045 AD. A tattered flag is discovered and mounted in the ruins of Washington, DC. It reads, "Don't Tase Me, Bro".

2046 AD. M.I.A. comes out of retirement again, owing in part to the discovery of a cache of radioactive neon pants.

2047 AD. Last surviving member of Catholic church declares self Pope, apologizes for something that happened in 1810.

2048 AD. Sole survivor in Zone 231-F ecstatically finds library, only to accidentally crush his own eyeglasses.

A letter from Jandek

2009-10-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

August 18th, 2009

Dear Arfmeister,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and, well, I hope it finds you. You forgot to tell me your new address when you moved and I don't have your new phone number either. I thought that was strange for a while, but then I remembered you didn't tell me those things the last time you moved. I realized that's your thing, I'm cool with it. I just wanted to get in touch with you and let you know what was up. So take off your hat, take off your coat and let's get into it!

First of all, it is H-O-T ("hot") here in Texas this time of year (summer). Hot enough to warp a guitar neck or actually straighten it back out again. That's what finally happened to my acoustic guitar, Clarabelle. After thirty-plus years, it is finally back to normal! I finally decided to put some new strings on it and give it a quick tune. I used an actual guitar tuner for the first time. It was weird! I love it like this, though. I like to mess around with a few Aerosmith riffs, some AC/DC (Bon Scott period, of course) and I know most of Deep Purple's Machine Head LP by heart. My neighbors wanna kill me though! HA HA!

I took a new photo of my drum setup as of last April (stapled to last page). We moved it over by the old Christmas tree just for a hoot. I think it's better there because the drummers who come by can finally move their arms without hunching over like you hear on my records. I got this digital camera and it takes great photos. I'm going to use it for all my album photography from now on. I can just open up any jpeg in Photoshop, play with the colors, add a Page Curl or a coffee stain, even add text! I can't wait to show you some of the new layouts I've done with my new JANDEK logo. It's kind of an homage to the Metallica logo. Well, OK, I used the Pastor of Muppets font. I even got a few different colors and it looks totally rad.

You're not going to believe this, but I just realized I made a horrible mistake on my first album. I just checked on a calculator, and three times four is not actually twenty-seven. Turns out, it's twelve. Why didn't anyone at the studio or the label check that for me? Or all those countless reviews and interviews - nobody ever told me! What did they think I was trying to do here? My music is about pinpoint, laser-like accuracy! I had the wrong figure on the lyrics sheet. It was a glaring error and it has really been haunting me. Not only that, but the last track is actually incomplete. I forgot half of it somehow. The good news is I am going to fix these terrible mistakes and re-release the album on iTunes. But in the meantime, my interns are fucking fired. How did they not catch that?

I was wondering if you got that last mix CD I sent you. It was the one on the purple Memorex CD-R, I think. It had that remix I did of "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. and a few rare DJ Screw cuts. Anyway, if you listened to it, let me know what you thought about it. I added a lot more 909 kick under that M.I.A. track, just like you suggested. You were right, it was too bland-sounding... Not enough bass.

Well, tonight the gang (The Residents) and I are getting together and recording a few more albums. I heard Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas is going to drop by the studio because he's got some ideas about doing some auto-tune stuff on my vocals. I'm really looking forward to that! I've been taking lessons, but it's not just a pitch issue... I think I could use that hip edge to make my music a bit more current. If this works out, this time next year, I'm gonna be the one taking the award away from Taylor Swift! But it will be because I won the award, not because I just jumped up onstage. So cool.

OK, well, I hope to hear from you again soon, buddy. I enclosed an S.A.S.E. because I remembered how you were angry with me the last time I forgot. I also enclosed some stationary you can write back on in case you are out of paper again. And Arf, please, come visit me if you're here in Texas because we doin' it real big in case you thinkin' we ain't!

Best firey-faced stares from the future,

Your friend and mine,

Paul Jandek Jr.

This Tweet In History

2009-10-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

1072 AD. Shen Kuo dredges the Bian Canal and demonstrates the formidable value of the silt gathered as a fertilizer.

1073 AD. The Seljuk Turks conquer Ankara and begin to film a low-budget version of Star Wars.

1074 AD. William the Conqueror orders the White Tower to be built around a gift shop with overpriced postcards.

1075 AD. Bleddyn ap Cynfyn, King of Gwynedd died. A memorial service featured a remix by Aphex Twin.

1076 AD. The Almoravids capture the Ghanaian capital of Kumbi having defeated the Daleks and the Tribble tribe.

1086 AD. Miller High Life won Beer Of The Year.

1087 AD. The navies of Genoa & Pisa obtain trading privileges after giving the Zind Emirate a taste of their sausage.

1088 AD. The Slip N Slide & Egg Toss of 1088 against William II of England (skins) is led by Odo of Bayeux (shirts).

1089 AD. The Synod of Melfi imposes slavery on the wives of priests but it is overruled by Lemmy Kilmister who rocks.

1090 AD. Troubadours begin playing in Provence but they only know Kiss covers. They are soon exiled.

1091 AD. After the ancient Dumbledore sneezes viciously across it, London Bridge falls the fuck down, dear readers!

Roman Polanski To Remake Rape, Subsequent Exile

2009-09-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Award-winning director Roman Polanski to remake his classic rape of a teenage girl this fall, in collaboration with Pixar. Sources report that the much-lauded master of cinema, whose previous works include "Rosemary's Baby" and "Chinatown", is eager to begin work on his new version of his 1977 rape of a thirteen-year-old girl.

"This will be a whole new re-envisioning of how this rape could have happened," stated an anonymous source close to the exiled director, "we are finally caught up with the technology to really get this rape done right!"

A spokesperson for Pixar said, "We are very excited about remaking this rape. We have our CGI teams working on the animated quaaludes now." The representative also mentioned that the remake will be a musical and include "a singing camera and a whimsical pair of panties named Ron."

In addition to the cutting-edge animation, the new version of the rape will also feature a new original musical score performed by such artists as Kanye West, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift. "We felt that the original soundtrack was a little too dated," Ms. Gaga was quoted as saying, "The original version had this guy Serge Gainsbourg playing in the background... It just doesn't hold up to our modern vision of the rape." Lady Gaga went on to say quite a lot of things about herself that nobody listened to.

The new rape will feature Polanski (reprising his role as the rapist) surrounded with an otherwise all-new cast. "Roman is looking forward to working with fresh new talent, fresh new stars, and that is who we got for him," commented a passer-by, "he just can't wait to get balls-deep into this role."

Although the main attraction of the remake is sure to be the rape, fans are sure to delight in the opportunity to witness a whole new exile of the director to another country. "One rumor has him going to Rio [de Janeiro, Brazil], but I put my money on Alabama," gossiped a distant relative of Mr. Polanski's former hair stylist, "They get away with this sort of thing all the time over there. What did you think that Skynyrd song was about?"

"Fans have been waiting for this ever since he dropped 'The Ninth Gate'," cried an elderly woman in a Wal-Mart parking lot, "What a stinker! He needs to get back into what he's best at: epic World War II dramas and raping young girls."

Polanski was not available for comment at press time but did release the statement, "This remake will be the one thing I am remembered for."

Make Dennis Shave His "Comedy Beard"

2009-09-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

Please help Dennis help himself. Sign my petition - it's a good cause.

http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/anticomedybeard/

My sincere thanks.

Postcards from Lee Ving

2009-09-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Not many people know this, but Lee Ving (of FEAR) and I go way back. Whenever Lee is on tour with his band or globe-trotting in general, we enjoy keeping in touch with each other with postcards. He likes the romantic, Kerouac flavor of a short note scrawled on the back of a rum-stained card and I appreciate the brevity. Here are just a handful of these postcards...

"Arf, Hope you good. I'm still in Kythira. Getting heavy w/the babes & sangria. Stay cool! Lee"

"Yo Arf, Tonight I'm playing no-limits hold-em in Morrocco with a Prince. I'll rob him blind! Peace, Lee"

"Dear Arf, I love living in the city, but my world tour RULES! Saved a kitten from a fire in Paris Tues nite. Lee"

Front: (Wish You Were Her) Back: "Hey Arf! Busting up the bars in Madrid tonight. Might've killed a hooker? Lee"

"Arf, Another night in Roma. Got 100% plowed on wine & hit on Italian triplets. One turned out to be a dude. Lee"

(this one was actually a birthday card) "Happy Birthday asshole! I miss ya little buddy. In Moscow. We got a Natasha to pop out of a cake in your honor. Lee"

"Arf, Got the jager-shakes in Lipzig. Performed my aria version of The Impossible Dream for a baroness! Love, Lee"

"Arf. Woke up with a splitting headache and a new anchor tattoo in Port Au Prince. Rosalie? Rosa? Dunno. Best, Lee"

"Dear Arf, Hangin' loose in West Berlin. Just remembering that time I fucked a nun in LA ('79). Sincerely, Lee"

"Arf. Sad news: Tour bus flipped en route to Sicily. Ten dead & six spilled kegs. Gotta hitch to the gig solo. Lee"

"Dear Arf, My condolences to you RE: the passing of your wife. Don't feel too bad 'cause I banged her a lot. Lee"

"Arf. Big news: landed a starring gig in a local play (Bad Lieutenant). They really think I'm Keitel. xoxo, Lee"

Excerpts from "The 5,000 Year Leap" by W. Cleon Skousen

2009-09-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from "The 5,000 Year Leap" by W. Cleon Skousen. The book has been championed extensively by Glenn Beck and possibly other, less well-known former alcoholic Mormon right-wing pundits.

First, this article may help you understand the context of this book in current events:

As Beck knows, to focus solely on "The 5,000 Year Leap" is to sell the author short. When he died in 2006 at the age of 92, Skousen had authored more than a dozen books and pamphlets on the Red Menace, New World Order conspiracy, Christian child rearing, and Mormon end-times prophecy. It is a body of work that does much to explain Glenn Beck's bizarre conspiratorial mash-up of recent months, which decries a new darkness at noon and finds strange symbols carefully coded in the retired lobby art of Rockefeller Center.

I don't think the book is strange at all, but you can judge for yourself. Without further ado, I give you "The 5,000 Year Leap":

The year was 1814. Three dirty immigrant workers from Italy gathered around a totem pole, drinking heavily and migrating to eat. They had come seeking a new land; they had found an adventure!

"Me so Italiano," cried lanky, swarthy Tony, meatball dangling from his greasy fork, "me hadda come-a to-a America to get-a the lire!"

"Silencio!" shouted sweat-swathed Phillipe, barely hanging onto consciousness from his feverish delirium on the stained cot nearby, "You know I can't breathe with you eating and talking all my air away! I got consumption and I need Uncle Sam to pay for it!!!"

"One-a dese days," shrieked Tony like a homosexual male Italian banshee, "I'm-a gonna turn-a America into a Socialist-Fascist state where I can finally oppress-a the Mormons!"

"We'll-a show-a them," proclaimed meek Jose, the littlest Italian of the trio (Italian word for three), "we'll-a show-a them good!"

"We'll never shower!"

"Show-a."

"Oh-a!'

1776, In the After Domine Of Our Lord On High Heaven. Thomas Jefferson, aglow in the sturdy heterosexual gleaming of his broadsword reflecting in the hot summer sun, sweats heterosexually after a long, hard day's toil. He has spent since sunrise forging his steely blade in the hot irons, and now it was ready to taste blood. Completely without a trace of fagginess, Jefferson slid the searing hot edge across the underside of his forearm, slightly kissing his flesh until a piping hot pure red treacle of his 100% pure blood rose from his perfect masculine veins and dripped with his hot sweat down his muscled, Grecian wrist.

"Verily," Thomas Jefferson bellowed in his booming baritone hunky voice, "Not until the wretched blood of twelve Frenchmen have spilt generously 'pon the soil of this blessed land shall thee become sheathed again."

Taking the glorious blade that Jesus made, he pointed it straight upwards to the heavens and shouted his battle cry, "By the Power Of Greyskull! I... Have... The Power!"

And indeed, the heavens did quake, and a sweet rain poured from the skies as though He had just shed tears through a fine sieve to grace the bountiful amber waves of grain that Samuel Adams would later reap and convert into holy sacrament in honor of Him. For, lo, the Founding Father's wrath knew no bounds and would not be quenched until the land of his birth had been finally set free once and for all. Free from the tyranny of England, that far-away land of trollish Queen Elizabeth, the Evil witch who had long enslaved the proud American Race. Free from the oppression of the murderous, barbaric Injun race, whose feathered hair hid serpents and whose disgusting ape-like features made them unworthy of sharing the vast lands that the Americans generously sought to share with them. Free from the Irish. Yes, one day, Jefferson, who possessed the completely heterosexual body of an Adonis, would free these lands and establish the United Christian States of America.

And that day was the very next day, July Fourth!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jefferson's rippling chest muscles heaved with the completely heterosexual, anti-Zionistic force of his labor. At a steady pace, he plunged the long wooden shaft in and out of the barrel with the passion of someone who could break a labor strike with one handsome stare. The mighty Founding Father's brain pulsed with divine glossolalia as he imagined that the butter was a filthy Communist's liver and the churner a nunchaku that he was repeatedly jamming in. Some of the slave negroes observing, in awe, the superhuman labor of their master wondered what it would be like to be Jefferson's mistress (but in a completely respectful, non-sexual way) and getting their fields plowed by one great man such as this. But flights of fancy had no place in the mind of a true Aryan man like Jefferson, who would smite any Jew who homosexually advanced on his person without mercy or even batting an eye.

VH1 Behind The Music: Dr. Dre's "The Chronic"

2009-09-24T15:42:00.001-07:00

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...These guys were the real deal, they were from the streets...

...Greatest rap album ever made...

...Nothing like this had ever come before...

...Re-invented hip hop forever...

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...Snoop had that laid-back delivery, almost like a drawl...

...He had that... kinda... drawl... to his rhymes... It made him distinctive...

...People had never heard anything like it, Snoop Dogg invented that laid-back drawl...

...Drawl... but also laid-back... and kinda singing...

...It was kind of like he was singing with a drawl...

...Just laid way back... and he alternated his rhymes with singing... with a drawl...

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

First there was Moses, then there was Jesus, then there was Abraham, then there was Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg....

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...Even white people were into it...

...White people really liked this music for the first time, you'd see white people in the audience...

...White suburban kids were way into it...

...Sold a lot of units... white people...

...This is what the hood was like, and even white people liked to hear about that...

...I guess because white people liked it... But really it was just about living in Compton in the hood...

...Huge success with white people...

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...Just really revolutionary... the music was unlike anything that came before...

...Nothing short of a revolution...

...Broke all the records in sales...

...Because of that laid-back drawl...

...Keepin' it real, living in the hood...

[gunshot sound effect with still photograph]

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...No music in history sounded anything like this...

...Never before had any music sounded like this...

...Totally original, sounded like nothing that came before it...

...For the first time, a kind of rap that was 100% original and... unprecedented...

...Nothing else like it ever! EVER!

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...laid-back drawl...

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...huge success...

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...Dr. Dre...

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...record label...

...on the label...

...label...

...new label...

...started a new label...

...record label...

...It was a huge, unprecedented success... Like nothing that came before...

...Because of that laid-back drawl...

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

...Absolutely... ...the greatest... ...music... ...in human history...

[commercial break]

"One, two, three and to the fo' / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'"

[commercial break]

Arf watches "The Goonies"

2009-09-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am an adult and I am now watching The Goonies for the first time. I am recording my thoughts about the movie, while I watch it, in Microsoft Notepad.

I checked on IMDB before watching this film to get a few basic facts, since I did not know much about it. Apparently this movie was written by Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus and directed by Richard Donner (The Omen, Superman, Lethal Weapon). The movie stars a bunch of actors who would later become marginally-famous. Something about a lighthouse and an adventure (well, I do love lighthouses at least) and released in 1985. I have all the facts about The Goonies, award-winning film beloved by my peers the world over.

Okay, so far the Warner Bros logo turned into a skull, so I'd say we are off to a fantastic start. I am expecting a great soundtrack by Motorhead or... Hey this guy is dead. Oh no, he was faking it. I'm not sure why the guard wasn't sure if the guy hanging by the neck had killed himself, but that was the implication from his tone of voice. There is an old hag. Now a car chase. Now a football. Boombox. this movie is all over the map with establishing shots and I like it. Corey Feldman? Wow he is a little boy.

Still in the opening credits and so far this movie has all the elements of a perfect children's adventure movie from 1985. Sean Astin plays the asthmatic, mildly-retarded protagonist with a glowing skull lamp. Corey Feldman is back and he is wearing a Purple Rain t-shirt under my dad's grey jacket. Now he is abusing a neighborhood boy who is fat. A Rube Goldberg device is the only way this fat child can get through their front gate. Blah blah, dialogue establishing characters, blah blah. Asian kid who invents things. Fat kid breaks statue - the obvious dick will break off AAND it does. Great comedy element to have a small boy try to put the cock on upside down (parents in the audience shift uneasily). Corey Feldman cracks wise as he takes a swig out of his Jagermeister. Corey Feldman explains to the new maid where to put the drugs in spanish, which is a talent that will come in handy later in his life. Then he threatens her life to comedic effect.

Oh this movie has some blue language. Not a G-rated affair, that's for sure. The kids decide to explore an attic because their dad left stuff in there before he died or something. Flimsy plot device (kids never really look in old attics) but fantastic in a kid's film. Now the jock brother is looking through an illustrated Bible, which is highly unlikely given the exciting electric ball toys surrounding them. They discover an old map with Spanish junk.

"One-eyed Willie"? This movie is SICK. Shame on you, Spielberg. The retarded Lead Kid goes on a tirade I cannot begin to pay attention to describing the fictitious pirate. "Hey remember the 'New Deal'? LOL we're writing for our grandparents," think Spielberg and Columbus, two ancient withered ballsacks.

The kids encounter some men who are not pedophiles and then the asian kid says something in asian and then Sean Astin says "balls". Good thing they have this super-fun house to hang out in where everything is magical. They all want to solve their parents' financial problems even though they are all small children. Something about a country club? What? "We have to protect the suburbs!" hurls a new tangent of subplot as Cyndi Lauper's heavily-makeuped face distorts into horrible proportions on the television. The kids take off after tying up the older brother, who is not aided by Rosalita who assumes he is engaged in a perverse sexual act. After he escapes, he senselessly steals a small girl's tricycle instead of walking or taking public transportation in pursuit of the other boys. Fat kid complains until they find some rocks in the ocean. Yuppies in a car, subliminal leg action in the rearview... This can only be trouble and it is. The driver of the car murders the older brother for no apparent reason.

Sean Astin chooses a random point of perspective to solve a clue related to their map. They decide to abandon their search and go to a restaurant to get something to eat, skipping merrily like girls. The children ignore all signs of peril and continue to skip to a tetanis-infested hideout of the criminal gang from the beginning of the movie. They are about to be kidnapped. Corey Feldman mouths off to the old (Italian) hag and is threatened with mutilation. Astin hobbits to the "bathroom" because he does not want to drink the iced tea the hag has served. These criminals are Italian and so they are singing. There is a mutant in the basement. Astin then decides to further tempt fate by feeding it, then runs away in terror. Having finished playing with the children, the old hag shoos the children away and they run off to play in a field in Scotland. Astin rouses the rabble in a stirring speech. Apparently the mirror routine was deliberate - touche, Columbus, touche.

Fortunately the cheerleader seduces the older brother and they all return to the basement in search of the mutant. If I was eight years old, I would be so scared and in love with the cheerleader right now. Perplexingly, the fat boy does not understand how to retrieve water from an average water cooler and it spills out into his eye. He breaks the cooler. His poor attempt at physical comedy provides a clue for the apparently genius children whose near-omniscient intuition progresses the plot further. They simultaneously discover ten things all children would love: "fitty dolla biws", a secret passageway, a freezer full of ice cream and the identity of the organized crime gang. I hear you, Chunk, I want some pizza too.

As Sean Astin decides to hobbit on with the adventure, Chunk is molested by a frozen corpse. He appears loudly disturbed but quietly aroused as the other children escape. Apparently the mutant is related to the other mutant Italian criminals. The children hide in the secret passageway to have more fun while they send the fat Chunk to go do something boring, far away from them. "Will they ever accept me," he wonders to himself as he slithers chunkily out the window.

Asian boy has flashlights which seem to be the answer to the problem of a dark passageway, but soon he racistly runs out of power. Chunk accidentally and obviously flags down the criminals' jeep even though he had seen it an hour before. Disturbingly, the driver manages to sing in Italian while not moving his lips. This is probably Donner's homage to David Lynch. The children then cause Caddyshack-style mayhem underneath the golf course, which causes many nude elderly men to not be able to finish scrubbing their nude bodies in the communal shower with each other. Then for no reason, the pipes decide to shoot the water at the children.

The disgusting Chunk spills his guts to the three criminals who will surely murder him when they are finished interrogating him. Even though he is a small boy, I can't help but marvel at his lack of courage and willingness to betray his friends. In the tunnel, the cheerleader rants in terror about being beautiful. starting to feel like I am watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. "Don't you guys remembew? Me Short Wound. Chinky-chinky choo." Oh that Spielberg, he hates asian people with a passion only Goebbels' hatred of the jews could rival. Astin foolishly tries to kill the entire gang by pretending the dynamite are candlesticks, then wears a cool skull necklace, then finds the cord that sets off the Raiders Of The Lost Ark style booty-traps. These boulders are not as menacing as the one in Raiders though, because they bounce like painted styrofoam. The gang finds a tunnel of rubber bats.

Chunk continues humiliating himself like a whimpering wretch in front of the puzzled but astonishingly patient gangsters. Fortunately they are going to mutilate his hand in a blender. Oh, here are the bats. Chunk hollers into the darkness as the mafioso adults ward off the bats with the sign of the cross. Back below, the children discover a "beautiful waterfall" which Sean Astin immediately recognizes as a bathing opportunity. They find a lot of loose change there and Feldman gets very angry for no reason. The geeky girl acts poorly on many levels and then moralizes childishly about the money. Feldman then acts as hard as his little wet face can as Astin talks to the ghost of a penis pirate.

Some local boys talk about fucking girls around a wishing well (highly unlikely) and then prepare to pour boiling oil on the children stuck below in the sewage. Chunk watches TV with the Toxic Avenger. As they prepare to have a bonding session, I go to heat up some vegetables.

"Goonies never say die!" exclaims the emotional, naive Astin as he argues to continue the adventure. Some insipid nonsense about "our time, their time, down here, up there"... The children decide to tell Troy to go fuck himself as they run headfirst into the fun. Chunk abuses the Toxic Avenger by tormenting him with a diseased, melted candy bar. The criminals are now in pursuit of the children and the hideous monster is free to punch anything he likes. He decides sexually abuse Chunk by making out with him. It makes me feel sick to see the fat boy raped by the hideous man-child and I am grateful for the cut away to the cave adventure.

Some bullshit happens with the asian kid that would be very exciting to an eight-year old. Chunk tries to call the police but they don't believe him because he is a pathological liar. Gremlins reference. Sean Astin suggests group urination but nobody wants to join him. Then Sean Astin accidentally makes out with the cheerleader, vicariously fulfilling the fantasies of all the small boys in the audience who identify with the take-charge leader template.

Then a chase ensues and the asian has slick shoes. Shots fired, kids get out the dynamite, criminal breaks his nuts on log. Then the kids find a satanic totem for brutal human sacrifice as the the other criminal also breaks his nuts on the log. Feldman continues translating the spanish map into Olde English for dramatic effect. They have to play sheet music so I hope someone knows how to play piano.. and the cheerleader does! Strangely, the tune to unlock the satanic altar is not a Gorgoroth song. Short Round spouts some gook nonsense none of the kids understand. Somehow this ditzy cheerleader who accidentally made out with a small boy instead of someone her own age knows even vaguely how to play a piano made from human bones. Also strange is how a melodic line of music is interpreted as single chords played in succession and the children do not die. Nay, they escapeth and flume down a Splish Splash water ride!!

My vegetables cannot believe their luck at being eaten by me as I watch the Goonie Gang plunge into the bath and hug with all their might. Then they discover a pirate ship that forces the geeky girl to hug Feldman, a local coke dealer. Now I think I might have seen this movie when I was very young and forgot about it entirely. I only remember bits and pieces. Yeah, I did see this movie now that I think about it. The miserable rickshaw driver Short Round accidentally finds cool pirate shit inside the ship and the kids play and play. The kids cannot instantly find the treasure and begin to turn on leader Astin but are soon sidetracked by something distracting.

Astin proceeds into a spooky room full of corpses, one of whom he engages in a satanic conversation with. Then he delivers the "one-eye willie" punchline decapitated from the cock joke and starts to cry because he is so in love with the skeleton. His friends think he has finally fucking lost it because he is crying with a skeleton pirate. I am with them - that is fucked up, man.

THEN THEY FIND THE TREASURE! Even girl treasure! They scrupulously steal all the treasure they can fill their thieving pockets with except that which belongs to the phallic pirate. Then the criminals hold them up at gunpoint, which is a big surprise to all. Asian inventor boy then attacks the ballsack of one Italian and disarms the old hag, but they quickly regain control and prepare to murder the gang. Corey Feldman shows off his deep-throating skills with a pearl necklace. They don't call him The Mouth for nothing. Then the old witch begins forcing the children to dive off the diving board of the ship which seems like fun.

All is lost for our hero Goonies until the Toxic Avenger and Chunk defy the laws of physics to knife-ride down the ship's sails and help defeat the filthy Italian criminals who love nothing more than eating strombolis and greasing their hair. The Toxic Avenger dramatically dons a Superman shirt and outwits his two less-mutated brothers. Then the brother and the cheerleader have a steamy-hot fuck session while the rest of the kids either drown or escape. The old hag attempts to trick the Toxic Avenger by playing to his sentimental respect to her (his horribly abusive mother). This does not last when he realizes he must enact his bloodthirsty, ruthless, murderous revenge on her by hurtling her into the beautiful blue swimming pool below. The kids then abandon the treasure and attempt to escape as the ghoulish Italians fight amongst themselves and thank the perverted pirate skeleton. But they are soon thwarted by the booty trap.

The children nearly perish by lighting the dynamite but actually are saved by its rock-smashing power, thanks to the squinty, slanty eagle-eye of Asian Smart Boy. Toxic Avenger uses his radioactive power to hold up a huge boulder while the kids escape through the crevice, even the fat one who is so horribly obese that I would expect him to get stuck inside it forever. Luckily, the police show up on cool ATV's on the beach and arrest the bad guys, long after the nick of time. The Goonies are joyously reunited with their respective families and get ready to finally eat that pepperoni pizza from their corporate sponsor, Domino's. This moment is almost preserved forever by the Asian father who always has his camera with him, ready to take many pictures, but then it isn't. Genesis P-Orridge and Corey Feldman then have a heart-to-heart moment. Then the cheerleader instructs the little boy to keep working on his sexual abilities even though he is presumably too young to piss by himself. The cops almost shoot the Toxic Avenger but then Chunk, the boy he molested, decides to take care of him as a pet because they are in love NAMBLA-style.

Little Astin says something insane and his dad somehow understands it. Then his dad, predictably, decides not to sell out. Unpredictably, it is because the housekeeper has five cents in her pouch. Oh, they are treasures, not cents. Then the dad has a nerd rage and shreds the evil contract like a flailing doofus. Just as Chunk is about to live out our fantasy of being interviewed on TV, he is interrupted by a blaspheming police officer who directs our attention to the pirate ship sailing away with the treasure. Then the Toxic Avenger has a horrifying freak out where he screams and pounds his chest. The kids follow suit, probably in an attempt to thwart a superhuman berzerker rage that would kill everyone nearby.

Cyndi Lauper, play us out!

Post-Script: This saga has ended and the first thing I find out is that Patrick Swayze has died. This is what happens when I watch The Goonies? I'm sorry. It will never happen again.

Nile bass audition

2009-09-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

Date: Sep 24, 2009 12:28 PM
Subject: Nile is Auditioning Bass Players for Touring Position

Body:

Nile is currently auditioning Bass players. Interested persons should respond to NileAuditions@gmail.com with a video of themselves playing "Papyrus Containing the Spell to Preserve it's Possessor From Attacks From He Who is in the Water" (from album "Ithyphallic").

Thanks!

Dear Nile,

I understand that you are holding auditions for the Lead Bass position in your band. I personally do not play any musical instruments, but my daughter is absolutely the best musician I know and she would love to try out for your band. Here is her audition video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHH1rsUOcuo#t=15s

Her resume is as follows:

April 2009: Started taking bass lessons with Doug "The Shredmeister" Grant (Athens, Georgia).
June 2009: "Jammed" with some school friends who also like music at our house.
July 2009: Tried to get her into some early prog (Crimson, ELP, Yes, etc) but she didn't really get it.
later in July 2009: She thought she sort of liked one of the Metallica songs I had on my iPod, but later realized that she didn't.
September 2009: Back to school but I am willing to withdraw her for any forthcoming tours once she is accepted as Lead Bassist of Nile.

I've already explained to her that she can always go back and be with her friends next year after she tours Japan. She cried a lot, but I know in my heart that it is for the best. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for her and it will put me on easy street for the rest of my days. I have already ordered a house boat and a new set of clubs so don't let me down on this one, guys.

Sincredibly yours,
Proud Dad of your new Lead Bassist,

Arf Ortiyef