"support the entertainment you love by purchasing a new, original edition"

12/12/13

Emails to Raymond Wong

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Sun, Nov 17, 2013
subject:     Further details

I’ve $36.6M deal to transact with you,reply for details

---------------------

From: Arf Ortiyef
To: Raymond Wong
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2013
Subject: Re: Further details

OK, what are the details?

---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Mon, Nov 18, 2013
subject:     Re:Further details

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. My name is Mr. Kam Chung Wong, Raymond, I serves as Chief Financial Officer & Qualified Accountant of China Everbright International Ltd.

I crave your indulgence as I contacted you in such a surprising manner on Email as we have never met before. Anyway, I respectfully insist you read this letter carefully as I am optimistic it will opens doors of unimaginable business relationship between both of us. This business transaction might not fall within the wide spectrum of your business activities, but I plead your assistance, as your flair for profitable business is needed.

In any case, I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a business relationship but I believe knowing each other starts from a step of which I believe I am not making a mistake exposing this very important business deal to you? It is my urgent need for a foreign partner, most especially from your country that has caused me to contact you there. I apologized if you find this intrusive, but there is an opportunity for both of us to work together and make clean money that is left over for nobody to claim.

Nevertheless, my communication with you is regarding an investment, involving Mr. Labeeb Ali Khatir, Building contractor, who made a fixed deposit in my bank. He had a financial portfolio of $36.6 Million and this I help turned over in the purchase of securities in the capital markets. I was the bank adviser assisting him in the management of his funds, and being previously given the instructions to liquidate the investment by Mr Labeeb, after sometime to enable him pursue some other investment requiring cash payment in Europe. I made effort to contact Mr Labeeb in the line of duty for some final instructions, only to discover that he had been shot dead at home with his family at Auja, east of Tikrit on 13 - 14 February, 2008.

So my proposition to you is this, since the original owner died along with his family living no next of kin, I want to place you in that position to instruct my bank to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation/or his business associates. Because if no one comes for claim after six years the funds will be re-verse to the Government treasury account, according to the law here and i do not want that to happen if you accept and willing to do this with me, you shall receive 40% of the total sum.
In order to begin process of the transfer, i want you to email me your full name, address and a private telephone number. So that i can update my bank records and my attorney can commence on the backup documents that will place you as the benefactor to late Mr Labeeb. I will use my position to influence the move of the funds to the bank account that will be provided by you, after you have been made the next of kin.

There is no risk involved in these proceedings, as we are going to adopt a legalized method and my attorney shall prepare all the necessary documents in your favor, as soon as i receive your full name, address and telephone number. I am very confident that we will be able to establish the trust that is needed to complete this deal, all I need is your willingness and commitment, so that we can conclude the transaction in the next 10 working days.

Please observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this transaction, I shall discuss more with you as soon as i hear from you with the requested information, as this will be mutually beneficial to both of us.

Sincerely,
Mr Raymond Wong
Chief Financial Officer
China Everbright Bank,HK

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Mon, Nov 18, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Raymond,

This is boring. I don't want to read the whole email. What do you need?

Arf Ortiyef

---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Mon, Nov 18, 2013
subject:     RE: Further details

Mr Arf Ortivef,

I must appreciate your time in getting back to me, thank you.  Please understand, every information in my previous email is very important and vitae for your digest and to enable you get a clear picture of your role and obligations on the transaction. Do not say it is boring, we are talking about large sum of money, 36.6 Million USD business is not done in a hurry manner thus kindly go through my email again and get back to me with the necessary information and I will proof the existence of the fund in my bank to you and send you the transfer modalities we are to follow in accordance with the banking laws and regulations on international transfer.

Regards,
Raymond

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Mon, Nov 18, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Dear Raymond,

That's not enough money. I am VERY RICH. I want to manage at least 45.3 million USD. Let me know when you're talking BIG BUCKS.

Sincredibly,
Arf Ortiyef

---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     RE: Further details

It is good to know you are rich and  i have no problem dealing with you because your financial status will allow the fund to move freely into your nominated Bank without any red flag, so let us secure this 36.6 Million together and hope for more.

Raymond

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Raymond,

If there's only 36.6 million USD then I want 70% of it, not 40%!

Arf Ortiyef

---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     RE: Further details

I will accept your deal if you will settle the expenses and considering my position and commitments, 60/40 is a good deal.
Reply.
Raymond

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Raymond,

Expenses are just a write-off for me. That's no problem. I'll take 70% and reimburse you for your troubles. Also, when you come visit me we can go out for a nice steak dinner. Are you vagitarian? Let's get this going because I have a lot of work to do. Where do I sign?

Arf Ortiyef

---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     RE: Further details

Arf Ortiyef,

Sound optimistic, good enough for a start.
I thank you very much for your acceptance to work with me. And I assured you that this transaction is legal and risk free. It shall be done in accordance with the banking laws and regulations.
But before we proceed further, I need you to send me your 1) full names and 2) contact details, 3) direct telephone and copy of any kind of 4) identification (Drivers License or International Passport) as i want us to know each other, and be sure of whom i am dealing with. You know that this transaction is a very high capital and I have to be very careful.

As soon as I get your identification, I shall also send you my ID and forward to you all the guidelines and procedures to follow in this transaction.

Thank you once again and i will be waiting to hear from you asap.

Sincerely,

Mr. Wong Kam Chung, Raymond

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Tue, Nov 19, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Yo Ray Ray,

Here's my driver's license (attached) and the rest of my info:

Arf Ortiyef
892 Momona St
Honolulu, HI
96820
USA

My phone number is: (808) 586-0034

When can I expect you to give me the money?

Arf Ortiyef


---------------------

from:     Raymond Wong
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Sun, Nov 24, 2013
subject:     RE: Further details

Dear Partner,

After reading your last email, I am very confident that you will be able to handle this transaction to conclusion.

I have forwarded your details to the attorney to commence processing of the legal documents needed from the appropriate authorities. Find attached my passport and the bank statement of late Mr. Labeeb Ali Khatir for your records and acquaintance.

Read Carefully The Stages of The Transfer Process;

STAGE 1: You will have to open two new accounts in your name; (1.) with a finance bank, i will be recommending to you for safety and security purpose. (2.) Another with any good bank in your country, these accounts must not be your existing accounts, they must be fresh accounts.

STAGE 2: My Lawyer will file for claims on your behalf, once the necessary documents is ready and the bank would want to confirm the authenticity of your claims by requesting for documents like Death Certificate, Will and Letter of Administration (Grant of Probate) which the lawyer will help us procure from the Probate Registry here in Hong Kong. As soon as the Letters of Administration is issued in your name, i will send copies of the documents to you as the legally identified next of kin to the late Mr. Labeeb Ali Khatir.

STAGE 3: Upon final confirmation of your status as beneficiary, the US$36.6 Million will be transferred into your country's account via your newly open finance bank account, this is to avoid any questioning/suspicious. And the tax that will be place on the fund will not be much compare to when is being wired to your country directly. And I don't want my bank to know that the fund is been transferred directly into your country's account.

To assure you of my full commitment to this transaction, I will take care of the Attorney’s fee and for the preparation of the legal documents to backup this transaction and put you in place as the next of kin and the transfer charges of the funds from my bank to your newly open finance bank account also.

All you need to do is setup these new accounts in your name at your own cost as that is your only obligation in this transaction. In my next mail I will email you the contact address of the recommended offshore bank, where you are to open the account in your name, Let me know if this terms is okay with you before you proceed to set up the account with finance bank.

Sincerely,
Mr.Kam Wong Raymond
(Chief Financial Officer)
China Everbright Bank
Central, Hong Kong

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Mon, Nov 25, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Ray Dogg,

I told you I don't have time for all this gibber-jabber. I am forwarding this email to my personal assistant Sandra who will take you through this step-by-step.  Have the money in a bag in three days. I will have Sandra send one of my men to pick it up from you.

Arf Ortiyef

---------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Raymond Wong
date:     Mon, Nov 25, 2013
subject:     Re: Further details

Dear Mr. Wong,

This email is from Sandra Duncan, Mr. Ortiyef's personal assistant. I have taken the liberty of forwarding your emails to our company's finance department, our international department and security department. At Mr. Ortiyef's request, I have had our tech department trace your emails to locate the origination point. Our top men will be visiting you shortly to arrange for the pickup of the money: $26 million USD which you owe to our organization. When is a convenient time for you to meet with them tomorrow? Please note that Mr. Ortiyef will be unavailable for the rest of the evening due to his herbal spa treatments been scheduled on account of he's tired.

Ms. Sandra Duncan
Personal Assistant to Mr. Ortiyef

12/5/13

Emails with my estranged wife

Recently my wife and I became estranged after an unfortunate misunderstanding involving $150,000 USD, a beast and a poison dart. Here are the emails which will explain the matter better than any alimony hearing possibly can.

------------------------
from:     Anna Walker
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Sat, Nov 2, 2013
subject:     Top secret!

Hello,

Good day and how are you today? I found it very difficult to contact you with this mail but I have that strong believe that you might be able to help me out of my predicament and more so, you will be part of the benefit as I believe you might be that God-sent person.

What really happened is that I was at a dating site 9 months ago searching for a true love when I met a guy from UK base in Nigeria but he's a black man and after several mails we agreed we meet and plan for our life...So, I sent him money to buy a house myself and him are going stay when I get over there....On getting there, he didn’t buy the house and I decided we stay in a hotel for some days while we sort for a good house to buy and live together as family....Meanwhile, I have closed all my accounts and took all the money I inherited from my parents to where he stays which is ( $1.5musd ) cos my dad was an oil dealer, art and gold merchant while mum was into gem stone ..they were rich and I was willed the whole money. In a nutshell the African man wanted to get me killed and made away with the money. I would never have known his plan if not that I eavesdropped it on phone conversation with some hired killers on the cordless phone...So I had to find a way and ran out of the hotel and I kept the whole money in a box at a Security Company in Nigeria, West Africa. So the money is still with the Security Company right now here in Nigeria.... so I have to get it shipped out from the Security Company before I can get outta here... so while trying to get another true love to get married to but a friend at the new hotel where I am right now told me I should register with a dating site that I will get someone loving, trustworthy and reliable I can get married to and start my life... So I have made up my mind already that until I find this person who I can give my life to, trust and love ... then I will share it with him if God will use him to turn my whole life for good...  right now I don’t have money to spend cos I have used the last money on me to pay for the hotel and some other bills and I don't have a dime. Please keep this as a secret as I don’t want anyone to know about it. More so, I won't be communicating to anyone on any dating site again if I see a head way in our affair and I won't tell anyone about this. I'm telling you cos I see you as someone with a light heart and serious. Again, for you to help me receive the two boxes while you act on behalf as the receiver of the boxes to the security company, I will pay you 10% of the whole money which is ( $150,000usd ) or if you prefer we spend the money together as a couple and invest it, you say which one you would like. If you are ready to assist me, I will give you a letter you will send to the security company containing my deposit details and all information I used when depositing the boxes but note that you don’t have to let the security company know that the boxes contain money cos I told them its my documents, cloths and shoes. But being away, you will have to pay some money for shipment and clearance fee before the boxes can be shipped to you. I need to be happy again .... I want you to read this very well and mail me to and tell me how you would feel if you were in my shoes and tell me your mind about what I told you. I will be expecting your mail as soon as you can get back to me.

Anna.

------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Anna Walker
date:     Mon, Nov 4, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

ANNA,

THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND WHOM YOU HAVE MARRIED. YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD FIND A GOD-SENT HERO? WELL THINK AGAIN. I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET THAT INHERITANCE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO! WHICH IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE I AM DYING RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS TO YOU. I WAS BETRAYED BY THE VERY KILLERS I HIRED TO KILL NOT YOU BUT YOUR BELOVED PET SNIFFY. YES THAT'S RIGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE SNIFFY OFFED, WAXED, HACKED AND STUFFED!! YOU'RE ALWAYS THE SAME "I LOVE SNIFFY MORE THAN MY HUSBAND WHY AREN'T YOU MORE LIKE SNIFFY SNIFFY IS MORE SATISFYING IN BED" BOO HOO HOO!!! WELL NOW THE POISONED ARROW MEANT FOR LITTLE SNIFFY IS COURSING THROUGH MY EVIL VEINS AND I AM DYING. BUT NOT BEFORE I FIND OUT WHERE YOU HID THAT MONEY!!!!! TELL ME WHERE IT IS SO I CAN DIE A RICH MAN!!!

SINCERELY YOURS IN CHRIST,
YOUR ESTRANGED HUSBAND

------------------------

from:     Anna Walker
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Mon, Nov 4, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

Hello Arf, I felt so amazed & shocked with what I read in your last message saying u are my husband & that u sent hired killer to that beast but we've not meet before cos I messaged u to help me retrieve my boxes from the security company in Nigeria where I deposited them. Where are u from? Thanks

------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Anna Walker
date:     Mon, Nov 4, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

DEAR ANNA,

WE HAVEN'T MET BEFORE?! THAT'S VERY FUNNY CONSIDERING HOW WHEN WE WERE MARRIED YOU SAID YOU WOULD HONOR AND OBEY ME FOREVER (JOHN 3:16)! NOW YOU'RE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE!!! OF COURSE I COULD EXPECT NO LESS AFTER YOU TRIED TO BETRAY ME LIKE THIS WITH A STRANGER! NOW FOOLISHLY YOU HAVE REVEALED THAT YOU DEPOSITED YOUR INHERITANCE IN THE LOCK BOXES AT THE SECURITY COMPANY!!! WHAT GOOD FORTUNE SMILES UPON ME NOW (MELVILLE 21:4) BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REALIZE I HAVE A COUSIN WHO WORKS AT THE SECURITY COMPANY! IF ONLY THIS POISON COURSING THROUGH MY DEVILISH VEINS WASN'T SLOWING ME DOWN I WOULD PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL HIM THIS SECOND! HOWEVER I AM PARALYZED FROM THE CHEST DOWN AND SO I CANNOT GET TO MY PHONE IN THIS NIGERIAN HILTON HOTEL!! THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO IMMEDIATELY FIND MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK OF PHONE NUMBERS AND CALL MY COUSIN AT THE SECURITY COMPANY AND HAVE HIM EMPTY YOUR ACCOUNT COMPLETELY OF ALL ITS FINANCES AND THEN PUT ALL OF THE MONEY INTO MY OWN HIDDEN OFFSHORE SWISS BANK ACCOUNT THE NUMBER OF WHICH IS 035762322001 UNDER THE CODENAME DELAWARE RAINBOW!!! DO THIS IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED BY OUR PRIEST, POLISH JOHN, FOR SUSPICION OF ATTEMPTED DIVORCE!!! YOU ARE STILL MY WIFE AND THEREFORE MUST OBEY EVERYTHING I SAID!!! XOXOX

YOUR HUSBAND IN CHRIST,
ARF ORTIYEF

------------------------

from:     Anna Walker
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Tue, Nov 5, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

Dearest,

Below is the email you have to send to the security company it's the one in below... that the details about them as well...

I am contacting you in respect of the luggage my friend ( Miss. Anna Walker) deposited at your security company. I have the deposit details below and I will want to know what exact amount for the shipment will be like to ship it down to my residential address below and inform them to have the boxes shipped to you with immediate effect this week.Here are my deposit details and the contact of the Security Company:


Deposit Details

Deposit Number: SSC-O576-PLG45
Sort/Clearance Code: SSC/576-45/MP56 33
Deposit Certificate #:MPL-SSC-405576
Consignment Description: 2 Traveling Boxes
Depositor: (Miss. Anna Walker).

Contact of Security Company

Company: SKYMIT INSURANCE SECURITY/FREIGHT COMPANY
Contact Person: Mr. Ralph Godson (Custodian Manager)
Contact Email:  skymitiscf@gmail.com
Contact Tel: +234-803-404-1785, +234-802-404-2212.

Your details as follows will be required:

FULL NAME:
ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
COUNTRY:
TEL:

While contacting them by email, you will ask them what the shipment fee would be. You give them the delivery address, so that they would be able to tell you the estimated cost for the shipment. Please, I want solicit your help in this regards, you will assistant pay the fee to the security company for and once the boxes arrive there, I will give you the security code to each boxes for you to open them, If you care to take your refund instantly, more so it's from the money in the boxes that you will take and send me money for air fare to your residence. I am counting on you but let me know before you start emailing them okay..I Will be expecting an email to this effect as soon as you have contact them. Hope to read from you soon.

Thanks so much....

Tons of love...




------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Anna Walker
date:     Tue, Nov 5, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

ANNA,

TONS OF LOVE?! TONS OF LOVE!? WHERE WERE THE TONS OF LOVE ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT? I DIDN'T GET ONE OUNCE OF LOVE! YOU WERE TOO BUSY WITH SNIFFY: TAKING SNIFFY OUT FOR A WALK, TAKING SNIFFY OUT TO DINNER, TAKING SNIFFY OUT FOR A MOVIE AND COCKTAILS AND A MANDICURE! WHERE WAS MY MANDICURE?! YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ME IN THE FIRST PLACE DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DID! YOU PROMISED TO LOVE ME FOREVER AND THEN YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME ONCE! YOU SAID YOU WOULD SQUEEZE MY LEMON AND EVERY MORNING ALL I GOT WAS CONCENTRATED OJ!! YOU ALWAYS LOVED THAT DAMNABLE SNIFFY MORE THAN ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU MARRY SNIFFY, ANNA? OH WAIT I KNOW WHY IT'S BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL FOR ANIMALS LIKE YOU TO MARRY SNIFFYS! YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE OF THIS I HAD TO HIRE BARY AND MILK TO BUMP OFF THAT SNIFFY! NO ONE IN THE WORLD COULD BLAME ME! BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT! THOSE BASTARDS SHOT ME INSTEAD AND NOW THE POISON ARROW HAS COMPLETELY PARALYZED ME FROM HEAD TO TOE EXCEPT FOR MY LIPS WHICH I AM USING TO HOLD A SERIES OF INTERCONNECTED DRINKING STRAWS TO PECK OUT EACH LETTER OF THIS EMAIL ON MY COMPUTER!! IT'S TWO FEET OF DRINKING STRAWS ANNA! THAT'S HOW I'M WRITING TO YOU MY BETRAYER!!!! IT TOOK ME SIX HOURS JUST TO WRITE THIS MUCH AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME TO WRITE TO SOME BANKER? THIS IS JUST LIKE YOU, ANNA WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SNIFFY DO YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!! I AM SENDING MY COUSIN GABLE TO FIND YOU AND WHEN HE DOES HE IS GOING TO PERSONALLY TAKE YOU AND SNIFFY OUT TO LUNCH AND BUY YOU A NICE LUNCH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT ANNA YOU AWFUL OH GOD... MY LIPS ARE FREEZING UP...  PLEASE... GET ME THE ANTIDOTE. I'M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE GET ME THE ANTIDOTE BEFORE IT'S TOO --




AUGH....



XOXO
ARF ORTIYEF

------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Anna Walker
date:     Wed, Nov 6, 2013
subject:     Re: Top secret!

ANNA,

WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE ME BACK?! I KNEW THAT YOU WERE CRUEL BUT I DIDN'T KNOW JUST HOW CRUEL YOU COULD BE IF YOU WANTED TO BE TRULY CRUEL! YOU JUST LET ME DIE IN MY HOTEL ROOM WITH A POISONED ARROW KILLING ME SLOWLY FOR TWO DAYS?! WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU HONEY I DIDN'T DIE!! I WAS RESCUED BY A MAID WHO THOUGHT I WAS OUT OF THE ROOM AND WANTED TO CHANGE MY BED SHEETS! SHE REVIVED ME BY FORCE-FEEDING ME A LITTLE CHOCOLATE THAT SHE WAS GOING TO PUT ON MY PILLOW! THANKFULLY THE COCOA IN THAT CANDY WAS ENOUGH TO COUNTERACT THE POISON THAT I WAS DYING FROM! NOW I AM RECOVERING IN THE HOTEL BUT I HAVE MOVED TO SUITE 209! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS HOTEL LOCATED ON 1 AGUIYI IRONSI STREET MAITAMA IN ABUJA, I WILL FIND SNIFFY AND DEAL WITH HIM MAN 2 MAN ALTHOUGH HE IS JUST A PET SO I WILL NOT TREAT HIM LIKE A MAN FOR REAL. GET READY BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T BRING THE MONEY TO MY HOTEL ROOM RIGHT NOW I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE YOU AND SNIFFY OUT TO A CANDLELIT DINNER AT MY OWN EXPENSE HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?!

ARF ORTIYEF, YOUR CHRIST-HUSBAND (NOW ESTRANGED)

12/1/13

Mr. Allen Large

For several months, I tried in vain to keep up correspondence with a long-lost friend of mine, Mr. Allen Large. Allen emailed me one day out of the blue in desperate need of my help. Despite my busy schedule, I couldn't possibly turn down a friend of long standing like that. But after some trouble that ensued with his bank we lost touch again. For the purposes of archiving this material, I now present the complete letters of Allen Large, Olliver Mallich and myself.

-------------------------

from: Coad, Forestine
to: Arf Ortiyef
date: Sat, Aug 31, 2013
subject: RE: Charity Donation.

I'm Mr. Allen Large the husband of late Violet Large my wife Violet and i Allen won $11.3 million in a lottery 6-49 in July, 2010. Some part of the charity donations my wife "Violet" could not accomplish before her death, I have decided to donate the sum of $2,000,000.00 USD to you Please get back to me via my personal email for further correspondence. (allenlarge517@...)

-------------------------

from: Arf Ortiyef
to: allenlarge517
date: Wed, Sep 4, 2013
subject: RE: Charity Donation.

My dear Mr. Large,

It's so wonderful to hear from you again! After all these years, you've finally come around and emailed me! I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I am on cloud nine. I thought you would never contact me again after the incident.

Please forgive my excitement. I am being rude! First let me extend my sincerest condolences about your wife Violent. She was a wonderful woman and built like a brick horse house! I still remember that sweet July night you two first met. Violent was of course Stewart Garden's cousin and he was the one who introduced her to our society. I must say that our bridge game was never the same after cousin Violenta played South! Well, needless to say the "chemistry" between the two of you was like sulfuric acid and hot chocolate fudge. I'll never forget the morning three weeks later when you came into my study and informed me of your engagement. I thought you would faint, dear Allen! Fortunately I had that vintage X.O. on hand, given to me by Mr. Farthing Central after the war, to revive you with. Ah, those heady, bready days!

The wedding of course was stuperflouendous and as your Papapous (Father Jim) fleetingly remarked, "These are the times when a man wilst be judgethed, the times when mortals tread on paths etched not by their father's hands but by the Lord's etching tools, the times when a woman is locked in my cellar ne'er to be heard from due to the excellent soundproofing and must continue scrubbing the floor of my gymnasium until it be spotless so saith the Lord, amen." I thought we would live by those words forever. Alas, as you know, dear Allen, it was never to be.

Bless Violentta Garden, may she rest forever in the peaceful arms of God in Heaven! I know she's up there, my Allen, tending her snap peas and cooking her famous varmint chili. I can't tell you how saddened I was to receive word that she had passed. It was only a year ago as I recall. She will never leave our hearts but she will forever lighten every corner of them with the memories of her boisterous chortling and the slight drool that would accrue at the corner of her mouth whenever she heard a bell ring. Goodbye, sweet "Violet"!

But enough about the past! I needn't remind you of what you already know. Let us talk about the present! And our plans for the future! Now my dear Allen, I am elated that you have won so much money in the lottery. I was not aware that you played the lottery but then, we have been out of touch for so long perhaps you took up the "sport of princes" in the interim. I also was not aware, but should have surmised, that your Violent was so involved with charitable causes. Needless to say, I have never thought much of charity. I was brought up by a man who always said to earn what I had (which is why at the tender age of 5 I found myself scrubbing down the watercloset with my own toothbrush at the local Bismarck Hotel for my daily crust of bread). Nevertheless, I understand that some dear people in our day and age are more tolerant of socialist agendas and should be heard out no matter how continental their ideas may be.

I am willing to, out of respect for the deceased, entertain your proposal to allow me the honor of distributing some funds to charitable causes that she had not the time to do in her blessedly short lifetime. I do this grudgingly as your old friend and with the caveat that I should not be ever called upon to do so again. I have become very busy with father's business, as you may have suspected, and can spare precious little time for trifling matters like my family and the frivolous acquaintences who fill our lives with color yet are ever ephemeral and slip through time like so many ghosts in the dead of night. I will distribute these funds but I must beg you: please never call on me for such a favour again! My father, God rest his soul, would frown so frowningly upon it and I have not yet earned his respect. I am not sure if you were made aware, but father passed away in his sleep atop a billiards table in the local pubbery last Tuesday evening. The funeral will be held after Sunday mass and you are delighted to attend.

My dear Allen, the candelabra lights flicker to a tired whisper and soforth must I end this letter to you. I hope you are in good health and will not in future correspondence mention the incident by which we were estranged so many years ago. It is all water under the bridge, if you catch my meaning! Let us start anew, having both lost someone so loved and dear to us, as friends of long standing and affection. I look forward to embracing you again when you have come with the money bag in hand for the orphanage oreth to whatever burden of love Violent had bequeathed her estate.

Wonderful to hear from you again, dear Allen.


Sincredibly yours,

Arf Ortiyef

-------------------------

from: Allen Large
to: Arf Ortiyef
date: Thu, Sep 5, 2013
subject: Charity Donation.

Good Day To You

Complement of the season from the Large Family to you, this is to acknowledge your message to me and this is 100% legitimate visit this web-page: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/story/2010/11/03/video-ns-lottery-winners-update.html My wife and i decided to donate some part of our lottery winnings to some individuals as part of charity project to improve the lives of lots of individuals in their local area and along the line my wife was unable to fulfil her wish before her death in July 2011. am in pain and heartbreak as am writing you this and i want my wife wish to come true no matter the case nor situation,for her soul too be at peace wherever she is and i believe she is resting with our lord God in heaven for her good deeds she did why she was still on this sinful world.and i have decided to donate the sum of $2,000,000,000 USD to you.i prayed and searched over the Internet for someone to donate this money to in your country and i saw your profile on web email list of email owners and i picked you. as you could see from the web-page i am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no kids at this age. although we won this lottery funds July 2010 and we have helped some charity organizations, family members and friends from our winnings.

Because my wife's illness the doctor informed us that she might not live long to see the end of the year, which took place few months after the doctors report and she finally departed this sinful world.i would like you to invest this money in a lucrative business to create more job opportunity to help jobless and needy people in your locality as we have already donated some part of our winnings to the local fire department, the red cross, Haiti, hospitals in Truro where Violet my late wife underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes. we kept 2% of the entire lottery sum to our self for the raining days and which i am still spending... i have attached along with this email two pictures of me and my wife and a photo of my wife in hospital bed when she was undergoing treatment before she gave up the ghost.

To facilitate the disbursement process of the funds ($2,000,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you, You are to send me your full names for payment and contact address (i asked for this brief information just to know who i am donating this money to and because of the Identity thief going around the world which i have been a victim i do not want to ask you for your ID as i do not want to leave an impression in your mind that i want to steal your identity). i am hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country. i will employ you to do what you can to alleviate the level of poverty in your region and also try to enhance the standard of living of as many people as you can because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.

in review of all what have explained i would like you to re-assure me that you will follow my instructions and help my late wife fulfil her dream before i can provide you with information on how you will receive this funds, i would like an understanding between me and you and if you feel you cannot handle this project you should inform me so i can quickly look for another individual to donate the money to.

Note: You would have to open an account with my bank for security/record purpose for them to keep safe transaction with whom i am dealing with.

If you have any question please don't fail to ask.

i anticipate to read from you soon.


God bless you,

Allen and Violet Large.

-------------------------
Note: attached to the above email were two photos of Mr. and Mrs. Large
-------------------------

from: Arf Ortiyef
to: Allen Large
date: Thu, Sep 26, 2013
subject: Re: Charity Donation.

Dear Allen,

I am so terribly sorry that I could not write back to you sooner and even more sorry that I could not read your entire letter. It was printed out for me by an assistant who then packed it for me so that I could read it during my recent expedition to the Andres Mountains near Rome. Unfortunately, when I removed the letter from my pack to peruse its delightful contents by light of campfire - as I attempted to stave off the cold with a meager cup of coffee and your generously warm words in my hands - one of my sled dogs (Hurlago II) effluviated upon it, thereby staining the precious document beyond recognition. I tried to wipe off the offensive effluviescence but in doing so, the letter flew from my hands and into a deep cave.

I spent three days attempting to retrieve the letter, stretching my stamina and fighting off the starving bats, spelunking deeper and deeper. But when I got to the volcanic pit that threatened to boil the very rocks on which I stood, I realized that the letter had met the same fate as Hurlago I: a fast and fiery death in molten hell. Sadly, I returned up to the campsite and spent the rest of the expedition with the painful thought in my mind that I had betrayed you. You who trusted me to respond to your kind words. I had failed as a friend and as correspondence-mate. But I did break a world record on my climb and that made me feel much better in the end!

I could not, therefore, read most of the letter, but I could read some of it. Fragments, really. Bits and pieces. Snatches and snippets. Nuggets and crumbs. Dribs and drabs. Hens and combs. My heart was filled with joy when I recalled that you wanted to dangle me with the charge of managing the funds! As you know, my life's three greatest passions are adventuring, exploration, fist-fighting and keeping a budget. I would be at the very edge of ecstasy to manage this money responsibly and efficiently and you have my solemn word as a gentleman and as an occult practitioner that I shall never let you down again!

Let's not waste anymore time between us. Please give me the information so that I may open an account at your bank and then I will immediately receive the bothersome, loathsome money that burdens you. Oh dear Allen, you sinewy, chewy Atlas, you have always strove to bear the weight of the world upon your shoulders. Now it is my turn to relieve you of this constant pain and throw my back behind some of this trouble. Friend, you have chosen wisely your friend in me. I wish immediately furnish you with whatever details you require to help expedite this process. Please bear in mind that I am heading to Belth-Tzerne in the coming week and must have a prompt answer from you.

All the best,
Sincredibly yours,

Arf Ortiyef

-------------------------

from:     Allen Large
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Fri, Sep 27, 2013
subject:     Charity Donation.

Dear Arf Ortiyef,

How are you doing?.I have already inform our account officer (Mr Oliver Mallich ) regarding me appointing you as the beneficiary to receive $2M. Sometimes it will be difficult for me to be on the Internet and send messages to you but do send me messages anytime and my prayer and blessings is with you and also as soon as the funds get to you please let me know.

The contact details and email of the Bank is below and you have to contact them immediately via email (group.lloydsbnk@att.net) But i would want you to deal with our account officer directly because of his experience you should contact him via email (group.lloydsbnk@att.net) or you can also reach the bank via phone as I have already inform them and they will be expecting to hear from you so that they can arrange on how the funds will be transferred to your local account in your country via an online Banking system, You have to provide them with every assistance the bank will need to effect the transfer to enable the funds released to you without delay. I want you to contact the bank stating only my deposit Reference Number: LTSB/AVL2010/28392/UK, your Full Name, your Residential Address and Phone Number..... For easy trace of my file.

Note that you “MUST” first open a new online account with the Bank to enable you receive our $2,000,000.00 USD in your new online bank account with the bank and this will also enable you transfer the funds from your online account with the bank to your local account in your country. i think the bank will explain more details to you as to how the transfer will be made. if you follow the instructions from the bank carefully within the next three (3) working days you will have this funds transferred to your account and available for use.

Bank Name:        Lloyds Tsb Bank Plc.
Office Address:   577 Barlow Moor Road
                   Chorlton Manchester
                  Greater Manchester M21 8AJ
                       United Kingdom .

Telephone Number: +44 7053826709
                  +44 7045779410
Email Address:    group.lloydsbnk@att.net                 
Contact Person:   Mr Oliver Mallich,

                     
PLEASE NOTE THAT: The agreement/contract that was signed with the Lloyds Tsb Bank London, United Kingdom for online transfers of the funds states that whoever is authorized to receive the funds will complete it through the use of an online account that must be opened by the new customer, therefore note that your contact with the Lloyds Tsb Bank London, United Kingdom will involve the opening of a new online bank account in your name which they will automatically credit the deposit of  $2,000,000.00 USD into the new account then you will have full access to your account and make transfer to any valid bank account in the world through their online facilities, You should be ready to open an account with them upon your contact with them.

I wish you and your family the timeless treasures of Christ, the warmth of home, the love of family and the company of good friends. Good luck

God bless you,
Allen  Large.

-------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     group.lloydsbnk@att.net
date:     Tue, Nov 5, 2013
subject:     RE: Charity Donation.

Dear Mr. Oliver Mallich,

I am writing to you to establish immediately forthtowith a bank account vis a vis the transfer of a certain sum of money which will be deposited hithertoforth subsequently tither by one Allen Large, a lifelong friend and singularly trustworthy man who has sought finterly my help in dissolving an excess fundbankment of fiduciary monies. The amount of money involved is a rather large sum to the tune of two million dollars in United States currency (although this currency has devalued markedly over the years and is quite uncertain and so my first act would be to use the money to buy either ingots or rupees depending on the market value).

To this affectation, I will of course require a brochure or pamphlet of respect indicating that your bank, Lloyd's Bank, is of reputable service and consistent trust that I may endow you with the funds I have been entrusted with. Out of the memory of our dear Violenta I owe it to neigh move with haste lest my haste catcheth up with ye (please forgive my clumsy paraphrasing of Georgastaccles but I am seldom one to use the higher-thinky brains of a writer's toolkit).

As soon as you have furnished me with a brochure, I will examine your materials and determine whether your bank is appropriate to establish the trust fund of Allen Large. Please pardon the inconvenience but I must insist on this matter. It was under very similar and portentious circumstances that Mr. Large and myself once befelt awry of a dubious character of foul distinction and of aspect most rotund. It was a dastardly strain upon both of our houses and in the end spelt disaster. This error can never be repeated!

I have only recently returned from my expedition to the Belth-Tzerne mountains and narrowly escaped certain death at the hands of the Belthian native tribe the B'lour-korff. One of their legendary poisoned darts penetrated my chain mail panties and i was forced to decamp in a most inhospitable cavern near the Tzhine-Tsze river. Needless to say that if it weren't for my trusty survival kit's anti-toxin serums I would have died in agonizing hours. Thankfully I survived and lived agonizing weeks in that cave as the poison eventually stopped swelling every hair on my body to frightening proportions. Indeed, once each hair had burst it was a matter of days, during which time I could finally muster the energy necessary to consume my last rations of gin and mustard-dogs, before I was able to once again regain my sanity and my health enough to return to the jungles. It took me another few nights to swim under the surface of the water, breathing through a bamboo reed and not coming up for air once during daylight hours, before I could safely reach blessed civilization and write to you this letter. I trust that you will excuse therefore its lateness in reaching you.


Sincredibly yours,

Sir Arf Ortiyef, Knight

-------------------------

from:     Lloyds Tsb Banking Group
to:     Arf Ortiyef
date:     Wed, Nov 6, 2013
subject:     WELCOME TO LLOYDS TSB BANK

LLOYDS TSB BANKING GROUP PLC
24Hours Online-Banking Service
Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167.Q
Registered Office:
577 Barlow Moor Road Chorlton Manchester M21 8AJ.
Our Ref: LTSB-RT-90091-ENG-UK
Your Ref: LTSB/AVL2010/28392/UK


Attn:  Arf Ortiyef, Knight

WELCOME TO LLOYDS TSB BANK. We are in receipt of your email and content well noted, we received a confirmation message from Mr. Allen Large ( Your Benefactor ) making you his beneficiary to receive the sum of $2,000,000 USD ( Two Million United States Dollars Only ) but we couldn't carry out the transfer process without we receiving notification from you as the beneficiary. We the finance firm ( bank ) are highly efficient to provide you will all legal procedures to enable you receive this funds in your account at your country. has a NON-RESIDENTIAL CITIZEN OF THE UNITED KINGDOM that you are, you are required to set-up an online account with our bank  to enable us withdraw and deposit your donation funds into your account with us before you will have full access of it and make transfer to your designated account in your country, As protocol demands you are to fill out the account application form which is attached along side with this message or use the manual form below

New Customer applying for Online Account & Transfer Fill and Return the below Manual Account Opening Form If Unable To Fill Out The Attached Account Opening Form.

Manual Account Opening Form
Reference: International Application ID no:*
Do you want an account with LLOYDS TSB:
First Name:
Last Name:
Date of Birth:
City/State:
Country:
Occupation:
Nationality:
Sex:
E-mail:
Tel:
Office Tel:
Annual Income:
Account type:
Initial Deposit of Account:
Date of payment:
NEW CUSTOMER COMPLETE REG: ****************************************************************************
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Read the instructions below carefully before attempting to fill out the Account you would want us to open for you
*****************************************************************************
Please choose from the account types below:

All account types requires an initial deposit by customers before account can be set-up, Note this deposit is the cash needed to set-up your account and will be deposited into your newly set-up account after it has been opened by the LLOYDS Bank.
Please kindly read the below account and select your affordable account choice with initial deposit.

1. PERSONAL ACCOUNT: This type of account requires a minimum initial deposit of £470.00 GBP equivalent to $750.00 USD (Seven Hundred And fifty USD), this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £7,000,000.00 (Seven million pounds) within one month or or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of one year minimum.

2. CORPORATE ACCOUNT: This is a daily business account and the initial opening deposit is £664.00 GBP equivalent to $1000.00 USD ( One Thousand USD) this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £15,000,000.00 (Fifteen million pounds) or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of five months minimum.

3. PLATINUM ACCOUNT: This is a daily personal and business account and the initial opening deposit is £940.00 GBP equivalent to $1500.00 USD ( One Thousand five Hundred USD) this amount is required is to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month is unlimited; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of three months minimum.

Please Note: That your funds is protected by a hard-cover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the funds in bank draft before its been remitted to you. This means that the above charges for opening an account cannot be deducted from the funds and hence must be provided by you before your funds can take effect for transfer. You are strictly advice to choose an account type listed above and we shall instruct you to make the payment upon the opening balance kindly fill and return the online account form . This amount is refundable upon request if you decide to close your account. As soon as your account is set up, you will have an account number and an access code with which you can access your account through our online facilities from your home which will also enable you check your account balance and also make transfer to any account in the world.

Thank you for your patronage.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Oliver Mallich
BAcc CA (SA) H Dip BDP MBL
Tel: + ( 44 ) 705 3844884
e-Fax: +( 44 ) 208 043 2052
Group Risk and Finance Director.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Lloyds Tsb Banking Group plc. . Registered Office: The Mound, 577 Barlow Moor Road Chorlton Manchester,      Greater Manchester.M21 8AJ.United Kingdom, number 95000. Telephone: 00 447-0857-79710. This e-mail (including any attachments) is private and confidential and may contain privileged material. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender and delete it  (including any attachments) immediately. You must not copy, distribute, disclose or use any of the information in it or any attachments.Telephone calls may be monitored or recorded.

-------------------------

from:     Arf Ortiyef
to:     Lloyds Tsb Banking Group
date:     Wed, Nov 6, 2013
subject:     Re: WELCOME TO LLOYDS TSB BANK

To His Honor Oliver Lloyd,

Despite my best attempts at concisity and breifyness I have determined upon examining your reply that I have failed to explain the terms of my potential interest in your bank in a way that you can understand. Perhaps it owes to my precumberance to anecdotes (as my late wife once referred to them, my "yarns") and yet perhaps also it is symptomatic of the canyon-like gap between the gross merits of our respective formal educations which I presume hinders your comprehension of the matter at hand. Then again perhaps you, Mr. Oliver, are merely suffering from an ailment of the eye in which case you are certainly excused for your apparent mental shortcomings and should immediately schedule an appointment with your optometrist. The situation strongly reminds of how it is writ in the Talmud, "Whosoever eateth spiders also extricates webbily" or something to that effect.

Therefore, I shall repeat my previous offer as plainly as I can: Thou shalt sendeth ye treatise of endorsement forth myeth inspection. How can I be plainer than that? I require at least two letters of recommendation or your prospectus or some other record of your business before opening an account with your bank. Send this to me immediately or I will be forced to strongly recommend to my dear friend Mr. Large that we perform our transaction by other means.

Meanwhile, to present you with my credentials, I have completed your questionnaire and I trust that this will expedite matters in your offices. Please find the information you requested below:

Manual Account Opening Form

Reference: International Application ID no:*
Do you want an account with LLOYDS TSB: Maybe.
First Name: Arf
Last Name: Ortiyef
Date of Birth: June the Seventeenth, Nineteen-Hundred and Forty-Two
City/State: London
Country: England, United Kingdom
Occupation: Adventurer
Nationality: I am a loyal subject to Her Majesty's crown.
Sex: Male.
E-mail:
Tel: (+44) 020 7839 1244
Office Tel: 0207 839 1244 ext: 250
Annual Income: Approximately 2.8 Million British Pounds
Account type: I usually keep my money in a vault.
Initial Deposit of Account: If I choose your bank, I will start with a deposit of 2 million British Pounds to match the funds being donated by my friend Mr. Large.
Date of payment: Immediately.

I trust that you will begin to correct your erroneous information especially that I am a non-resident of the United Kingdom. I certainly live in the land of my birth! If you cannot clear these matters up via correspondence I may appear at your offices in person at eleven in the morning tomorrow. I look forward to your prompt response as I must soon depart on a steamship Bovaria-bound!

Sincredibly,
Arf Ortiyef

4/22/13

Sigma Nu Literally Responds To An Angry E-Mail

A very angry e-mail written by a sorority leader directed at her sisters was published at this website: http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

The e-mail addressed some issues that some of the sorority members were having at social events (mixers) with the Sigma Nu fraternity and was undoubtedly meant to give expert advice to help awkward young ladies become more eloquent. Days later, the leader of the Sigma Nu fraternity issued the following press release:

 Woah. Just woke up from Night Of A Thousand Keg-Stands to see this totally bogus e-mail in my folder. I'm gonna have a Colt 45 to help me wake up so that I could fully process this in my brain. Julia has gone completely ballistic. And rightly so! But I'll get to that in a minlet. I've got A LOT to get off my chest. First of all, bitches and dudes of the press, I am speaking on behalf of my fellow members of the Greek community, my Sigma Nu brothers and everyone who was at beer pong on Thursday. Hear we go.

Four score and seven years ago, our four fathers founded Sigma Nu for imbibing the spirit of community, the awesome p we'd likely get and getting wasted with our bros after severe hazing pranks. Meanwhile, a certain sorority (Delt-Gams) are meant to match-up (hook up) with us every year during Greek Week. And that's just how the law has been laid into stone. I've got the actual stone right here in my dorm room. We call it the Sigma Nu Rosetta because of like that old rock. Anyone who thinks I'm bullshitting can COME RIGHT NOW and see it for themselves. It's a little messy right now because we had a pizza party and some of the mutzi got on it. Kinda narly but I promise I will clean it off before the end of the semester (my parents are picking me up right after finals so not too many more chances to get laid) as is my solemn vow as president of the Sigma Nus.

As Greek master, I am addressing you today to say I have LITERALLY never seen an email this NARLY before ever. It is bonkers and officially WACK. But, Julia makes a lot of excellent points: A. It is true that some of the D-Gams DO NOT PUT OUT and are literally cock-blockers. This has got my brothers up in arms and it WEIRDS US OUT. This is to the point where my bro Beef-Face has gone to sulk in his room for literally 45 minutes the other night. This behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE and the sisters who are involved do deserve to get jacked on campus by Julia. For the heinous crime of cheering for the other team, the offending sisters should be cunt-punted over a field goal from the 10-yard line (unless it's Macky-B kicking, in which case the 50-yard line would be fine AW YEAH). This shit is wrong and makes me want to puke without even binge-drinking.

I'd also like to point out that Julia is going thru a rough time right now because of all the bullshit that her sisters have dumped on her. Please lay off of her. I have a message for Julia right now (can someone tell me if she is the one who wore the g-string on Saturday?): you are welcome to come into the embrace of ANY of my brothers and wetten on our toga-ed, muscular shoulders. There's no need to thank us with words; there are other ways you can thank us. Even a few of us at once would be rad. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

This is the hardest and longest e-mail I've ever had to write. In closing, I look forward to carrying out the usual sacred hazings, beer-sponging and Spanish Fly Week!

Sincerely,

Travis "Cake" Johns
Sigma Nu, President

PS: Get well soon to Steakshit who is going thru a NARLY ASS hangover!!

2/6/13

My Bad Experience At IHOP

When IHOP offered promotional pancakes, I was all in.  Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about their staff who seemed to be at best only a little bit in and mostly far out.  But not far out groovy, far out of the realm of quality I expected from a fine breakfast eatery.  My bruncheon was very upsetting and I had to write about it on Twitter.

At the time of writing this entry on AOL, I have not heard back from the IHOP Corporation regarding my complaint.  I will be organizing a petition very soon.

--------------------------------------------------------

‏@arfortiyef my free @IHOP pancakes had cloves in them. :( not the kind you use for cooking but someone's ash from a clove cigarette. :(

‏@arfortiyef my mom waited in line for six hours to get a free @IHOP pancake and they said, and i quote, "no senior citizens until 5am." she's only 64!

‏@arfortiyef my @IHOP free pancakes were served by a waitress whose nametag said "Jugs". the service was terrible. Jugs refused to let me try any syrups.

‏@arfortiyef i went to @IHOP to get what i deserve: a free pancake! the line stretched all the way to the back of the restaurant where glue-sniffing kids

‏@arfortiyef sorry about that, folks. my last tweet actually got cut off because it was just too long. it's really important everyone knows that @IHOP is

‏@arfortiyef gee. it happened again! sorry, i'm new to twitter and i don't really know why it cuts off my tweets. but anyway, i'm so mad about @IHOP's po

‏@arfortiyef anyway, i went to @IHOP regarding the free pancake i'm owed (and still am!) and the employees were sitting around listening to Zappa records

‏@arfortiyef i can't verify this but i think @IHOP's free pancakes were filled with eggs. #illumineggi

‏@arfortiyef marched back to @IHOP to complain to the manager about the sorry state of affairs. he replied by putting one pancake in the palm of my hand.

‏@arfortiyef if this keeps up, this interminable abuse, i'm going back to @IHOP and i'm going to mix all the syrups together and adding milk to them.

‏@arfortiyef i've been trying to get a fair shake but my local @IHOP won't serve me a milkshake or free pancakes for that matter! i'm verry annoyed!

‏@arfortiyef i know that the @IHOP manager's brother is in the Klan. Jugs told me all about it. don't think this won't get out.

‏@arfortiyef are you the manager of an @IHOP? did your tires get slashed tonight? did you put an pancake in my hand? is your brother racist? got you.

‏@arfortiyef i didn't really slash that @IHOP guy's tires but i was just saying: i could have. i stole one of their steak knives.

‏@arfortiyef i looked in the back and several @IHOP employees were doing whippets WHILE they made Fun Face Pancakes FOR A CHILD.

‏@arfortiyef didn't want to reveal this in public, but one of the waitstaff at @IHOP was eating those mints at the register and didn't use the spoon.

‏@arfortiyef i know @IHOP is equal opportunity now but this guy had a visible tattoo. please think about it. i was trying to eat!

‏@arfortiyef i went to @IHOP with my free pancake voucher and it was PACKED. can you believe the maitre 'dee put me in the smoking section? #outrage

‏@arfortiyef i said to my @IHOP waitress Jugs, "don't you know i live in a palace? i could take you away from all this. think it over, toots."

‏@arfortiyef then Jugs leaned over and her clove cigarette dropped all its ashes into my @IHOP pancakes. i was furious so i threw a drink in her face

‏@arfortiyef can you believe my waitress would not give me extra pancakes gratis? my local @IHOP should know pancakes gratis is my favorite style!

‏@arfortiyef the matre'd came over and said, "what's wrong, sir?" i said, "Jugs won't go out with me and there's a clove on this @IHOP meal." she laughed

‏@arfortiyef sorry, my tweet got cut off again! i wanted to conclude that sentence about @IHOP w/ "she laughed right in my openly-crying (macholy) face."

‏@arfortiyef insult to injury: this @IHOP did not have a TV set ANYWHERE! i missed my favorite shows and for what? a pancake stack that tasted like butt.

‏@arfortiyef whoops, i meant to say "clove cigarette butt" but there wasn't enough space. anyway, i'm going to blow up that @IHOP.

‏@arfortiyef that is to say, i'm going to blow up that @IHOP photograph i took while i was there to prove who it was that poisoned my pancakes!

‏@arfortiyef this @IHOP lacked all basic amenities that all restaurants should have: full bar, Hooters waitresses, urinals...

‏@arfortiyef well, the @IHOP didn't have a urinal in the ladies' room but my point is still valid. i want a refund on my pancakes.

‏@arfortiyef besides, what kind of @IHOP throws a guy out of the ladies' room? i was doing a scientific experiment! i had to see if they had urinal cakes

‏@arfortiyef another thing: the @IHOP i went to had no, i mean ZERO, fish options. the waitress said, "all out of Gorton's, hon." "no Long John Silvers?"

‏@arfortiyef if i could just take a moment from my @IHOP tweets, always ask about the fish options at a restaurant. it seems classy and looks cool.

‏@arfortiyef also, while i was eating my @IHOP pancakes, someone tried to sell me DVDs at my table! it was the maitr'e dee and i bought Commando.

‏@arfortiyef @IHOP: if you're going to sell bootleg DVDs at tables, please make sure your Stallone collection is properly burned. my copy didn't work.

‏@arfortiyef other problems i had trying to get free pancakes at @IHOP: angry waitress, no hot water at my place for 3 weeks now, ran out of gin...

‏@arfortiyef problems with @IHOP con't: someone slashed my tires in the parking lot and wouldn't replace them, charged me extra for lychee syrup...

‏@arfortiyef btw, did you know about the Premium @IHOP menu? it's a secret: say, "the flags fly over Belgium" and you get to see the Premium Menu.

‏@arfortiyef on @IHOP's Premium Menu: Lychee Syrup, Truffle Waffle Shuffle, Fun Face Eggs Deluxe, Eggs Tartare, Chocolate Raspberry Syrup, Potato Chips.

‏@arfortiyef my @IHOP waitress forgot to say "good morning" AND could not remember six of the 200 required national anthems. where's the "international"?

‏@arfortiyef by the end of my night at @IHOP (spent the day), 0% of the staff would look me in the eye and the mantree-d said she lost faith in humanity.

‏@arfortiyef also, speaking of international, @IHOP did not respect my religious views. they said i had to leave my ibex statue in the car. #outrage

‏@arfortiyef can i please just ask @IHOP Corp to give me the free pancakes THAT I EARNED?! why is this SO hard?! they're 90% cow teeth anyway!

‏@arfortiyef is it because as soon as i sat down, i told the @IHOP waitress that i would not tip her any money under any circumstances?

‏@arfortiyef i have a lot of beef with @IHOP and i'm NOT talking about the Angus Bangus Burger, 8oz of all-angus prime rib stuffed with pasta!

‏@arfortiyef one last thing about @IHOP: even though their Hula Homefries were exquisite and reminded me of William Blake, that soda was SO watered down!

10/21/12

Winner of the lottery

E-mail award notification
info notice

Attention please.

For due processing and remittance of your online email prize of 615,810.00 (Six hundred and fifteen thousand, eight hundred and ten euros) only, please download and read the attachment for full details.

Best regards,

Mrs.Silvia Santos

----

Re: E-mail award notification
Arf Ortiyef
To: libertyseguros@luckymail.com

Dear Snr. Alfonso Benito,

I am writing to you because I am a winner! I have won the international lottery with ticket number 0016-359142-07, serial number 52201-61 and lucky winning numbers 1-3-27-42-47-48 in the third category.

My e-mail address is reference number EGR/417331247/03 and batch number 72/50685/MMH. I was referred to email you for the remittance of my winnings by Mrs. Silvia Santos. She was extremely kind to me in her e-mail and I hope that she is allowed to take long lunch breaks.

I understand that because I have won this lottery, I will receive €615,810.00 (Six hundred and fifteen thousand, eight hundred and ten Euros only) in cash credited to file REF.NO: EGR/417331247/03. I have made several copies of Mrs. Silvia Santos' email so that I would not lose this information. Rest assured, I will be able to collect my winnings very soon! Where will I pick up the money that I am entitled to?

Thank you for notifying me of my winnings and I am sure you will not regret your choice. Have a blessed day.

Sincredibly,

Arf Ortiyef

----

Re: E-mail award notification
libertyseguros@luckymail.com
To: Arf Ortiyef


LIBERTY SEGUROS S.A.
MAQUEZE VILLAMAGNA 6-8
28008 MADRID -SPAIN.
TEL: +34 602 421 240
FAX: +34 917 693 085.
DATE: 20/09/2012

Dear Beneficiary,

Congratulations from members of our staff, we acknowledged the receipt of your email with request to file for your winning prize. We write to clarify and explain our mode of service that we render to client on lottery claim related issue.

Firstly, our ultimate aim is to ensure that the Prime Winner receive his/her winning prize. You are required to print and fill the CLAIM / PROCESSING FORM in capital letters and return back to this office via Email attachment for verification from the Lottery Company along with your photocopy of identification.

The processing of your claims will be completed in one - two working days and subsequently you will receive your winning prize. You are advice to complete the forms in capital letters and return to us to enable us verify and commence processing of your winning prize.

Your winning prize is covered with HIGH INSURANCE POLICY which is in accordance with article 13a subsections 132 of the International Lottery regulations as amended in the 2004 constitution this is to Protect the Prime Winner of his / her claims and to avoid misappropriation of the funds

Be assured that in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customers satisfaction, we will handle all verification with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure you receive your winning prize within shortest possible time

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your winning Prize have been remitted into your nominated account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants.

You are advice to call Snr. Alfonso Benito, Foreign Affairs manager on telephone number + 34 602 421 240 as soon as you return the Claim / Processing Form through fax or by email attachment for confirmation.

Note: Our office opens from Monday to Friday between the hours of 8:00hrs to 21:00hrs GMT. And on Saturday from 9:00hrs to 17:30Gmt.

Once again congratulations!!!

Regards,

Mrs. Victoria Reyes.
(General Secretary)

----

Re: E-mail award notification
Arf Ortiyef
To: libertyseguros@luckymail.com


Dear General Victoria Reyes,

It has been an honor and a privilege to serve under your command, ma'am. I would like to have my price immediately and have attached the completed CLAIM / PROCESSING FORM to this e-mail. Please see the attached file where I have included all the information you have asked for.

Just in case you can't read my harndwriting (I have to use a harnd because I am disabled), I will provide some of the more difficult-to-read passages in this e-mail:

Nombre: Arf Ortiyef
Direction: 15 Apricot Lane, Candy Cottage, #6, New London Broil, NY, USA.
Genus: Aphid

I don't understand what this means: Feminine Category? I am not.

The last three digits of my Routing Number are a bit hard to read because of my bad harnd. They are 643.

My relatives are Aunt Beatrice and Jim Duffle, whom you may contact in case of an emergency.

Thank you and I look forward to your payment very soon!


Sincredibly,

Arf Ortiyef

----
Re: E-mail award notification
Arf Ortiyef
To: libertyseguros@luckymail.com

My Dearest Victoria,

It has been a full day and I have not heard back from you regarding my payment of my prize. I do not understand why you have spurned me thus! Ow! It hurts! But seriously, pay me the money you owe me immediately or I will be forced to take legal action.

Sincredibly,

Arf Ortiyef, ESQ
Attourney at Law

----
Re: E-mail award notification
Arf Ortiyef
To: libertyseguros@luckymail.com
Dear Victoria,

I haven't heard from you in days, my darling! All day long I've been dreaming of opening your next e-mail, but IT NEVER COMES! I love the way you write to me! Those cherubim o's, those Reubenesque e's and lest we forget, your voluptuous, silky esses! Your vowels have me all hot and bothered, dear! Please write me back! My heart cannot bear it any longer! Where is my money?!

Sincredibly,

Arf Ortiyef
XOXOXES

6/27/12

Tweets by Barry Gibb

I recently had the pleasure of finding legendary pop singer Barry Gibb on twitter (@GibbBarry) and tried to welcome him by Re-tweeting some of his tweets.  Unfortunately, I cannot find them on his account anymore.  Maybe they have been deleted?  The good news is that I still have my RT's to share with you all.  My own comments appear before the "RT".



@arfortiyef ok dude, we get it. RT @GibbBarry Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

@arfortiyef woah. RT @GibbBarry Stayin' Alive was actually written about soldiers in WWII. Happy Memorial Day to all my fans.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry Nobody, and I mean nobody, doesn't love my Bananatinis.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry Just performed with backing band the Warlock Pinchers. These boys are great! We'll be touring if they get their van started.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry I really think this Zits comic strip is so terribly funny! But irreverent! Not for all audiences, as they say on the internet.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry I have just gotten word that @TheMichaelCaine has been trapped in my cabana for six weeks! Please, someone let him out!

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry "You can tell by the way I use my walk" was a lyric I wrote about a very funny gorilla I saw at the Bronx Zoo. Now you know.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry To me, ABBA stands for All Boring Bands Annihilated.

@arfortiyef #LAPunk RT @GibbBarry "I believe in me / I make my dreams real." Thinking about doing an Avengers disco album. Re-imagitations...

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry I've just been ideastorming with my compadres and we've decided to eat Taco Bell until we're sick.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry Anybody know the number for White Castle in Hackensack? Do I have to call ahead for a table?

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry I was just singing What's The Frequency, Kenneth? in the shower as usual and wondered almost aloud, "Who is Kenneth?"

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry @kanyewest I've told you before, Kanye, and I'll tell you again: nobody, and I do mean nobody, can beat my Bananatinis.

@arfortiyef uh-oh. RT @GibbBarry What does this mean? RT? Why is this person tweeting unauthorized tweets as though I've said them?

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry @arfortiyef I doubt very much if you are decorated as highly as your Bio purports but I will ask Her Majesty tomorrow.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry "And a-One, two, three and to the four / Snoop Doggy Dogg and Barry Gibb is at the door." #freshflowsfellows

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry @arfortiyef None of my true fans will believe your tweets are real anyway. Except about my Bananaquiris. They really are tops.

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry "Ain't nothing but a Gibb thing, baby / Death Row is the label that pays me." #FFF #collabos

@arfortiyef RT @GibbBarry I just wanna dance with somebody. :,(